Tabula Rasa Part 2
by The Blue Raven
Summary: Now that Cole's back home, he's faced with the difficult task of recovering memories that don't want to come. Meanwhile, Mel struggles with what to tell him and how. Spoilers through 'Love, Cirronian Style'
1. Homecoming

**Tabula Rosa Part 2**

Summary: Now that Cole's back home, he's faced with the difficult task of recovering memories that don't want to come. Meanwhile, Mel struggles with what to tell him and how.

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own them, but, hey, just as soon as that deal with Zin goes through...

Note: This is part 2 of the story. If you haven't read part 1, you might be a bit confused. This bit deals with Cole's attempts to recover his memory and with the conflicted feelings about the process that both Mel and Cole find themselves feeling.

Feedback: Yes, please! Feed me, feed me!!! More feedback equals more stories. (ravenkatk@aol.com)

**Chapter 1 -- Homecoming**

When Mel ushered Cole into the Watchfire, Gwen was there, shadowboxing in the center of the bar and listening to 'Sister Golden Hair' on the radio, which was turned up rather loudly. 

Cole paused at the threshold, watching entranced as Gwen assaulted an invisible opponent with a combination of kicks and punches, any of which he knew, without knowing _how_ he knew, could have broken bones. There was something familiar about the motions, but he could not have said what. Perhaps he, too, fought in this way? The thought that he fought at all was vaguely troubling, though. He could not say _why_ this might have been the case, but it was.

Mel stood perfectly still next to Cole, watching his face. Something about Gwen's workout was ringing a bell somewhere. She silently willed him to remember, but his thoughtful expression was soon replaced by a troubled one. He shook his head and walked farther into the bar. Sighing softly, Mel followed.

Gwen stopped abruptly and turned to face them, her face cautiously wary for a moment. She smiled when she saw them. "Hey!" She called over the radio, quickly walking over and turning it off. "I wasn't expecting you for a couple of hours." 

Mel nodded. "The plane was early."

"Wow, two miracles in under a week." Gwen smiled cheerily, then looked at Cole. "Welcome home, Mister Hauser." She regarded him curiously. "Do you remember me?"

_He had been on his way out of the bar on some business or other when Mel had sidetracked him, grabbing his attention and introducing him to the young girl. "Cole, this is.."_

"Gwen, the new girl." He smiled and nodded. "I remember you. Kind of."

Gwen smiled and nodded. "That's as good a start as any. Welcome home."

He smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Gwen."

She smiled and nodded. "I'm going to go change, Miss Porter. Hope you don't mind me using your bar as a makeshift gym. I overslept this morning and missed my class." She grinned and added. "And my place is so tiny that if I tried this there... bye-bye art-glass."

Mel shrugged, smiling at Gwen's expressive look. "It's fine, Gwen."

She grinned and nodded, picking up a gym-bag from a nearby table. With a wave, she vanished into the ladies room.

Cole stared after her. "She seems nice."

Mel nodded. "She is. The two of you got along really well."

He smiled, looking around curiously. "That's good."

"Anything seem familiar?" Mel asked, dropping her bag on the bar and following Cole as he walked farther into the bar.

"This." He walked over to the jukebox. "Do you remember?" he asked, punching buttons. The combination to call up the song came immediately into his mind. "You taught me to dance here. To this song..."

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I remember."

Cole pulled her gently into his arms. "I remember how nervous I was..." he told her gently. 

"You were nervous?" Mel asked, so surprised that she allowed herself to be led by Cole.

He nodded, smiling at the memory. "Terrified, Mel." He smiled down at her and brushed a strand of hair out of her face.

Gwen emerged from the bathroom, dressed for work and saw them in the little alcove, Mel in Cole's arms. The love that they felt for each other was obvious in the radiant look on Cole's face. It was one of the most touching things Gwen had ever witnessed. Also private. Grinning, she vanished discretely into the back room. Neither noticed her presence or her quick retreat.

Cole smiled down at Mel. "It's good to be back home, Mel."

She sighed and smiled back up at him, getting herself lost in those amazing eyes of his. It was very hard not to relax, almost by instinct, just as soon as he slid his arms around her. "It's very good to have you back."

"Then why are you still worried?" he asked quietly, caressing her throat as he spoke. He loved the way it made him feel inside to touch her, warm and peaceful.

"What makes you think I'm worried?" Mel asked cautiously. Had he conveniently forgotten to mention that Cirronians were also mind-readers?

"You make that face..." he told her with a smile, brushing two fingers against her forehead, smoothing away the tension there.

Mel closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. She was having a very hard time reminding herself that this probably qualified as taking advantage of Cole, even if he _was_ being the aggressive one. It was hard, though. A very large part of her wanted very badly to just relax into that embrace and let Cole take as much initiative as he wanted to. After all, could he possibly know enough to know how to take things too far? Could she afford to take that chance?

Cole glanced at her curiously. She _wanted_ to relax, he could tell, but she was fighting it, too. Why? 

"It's okay, Mel..." he whispered lovingly, caressing her face and throat with one hand, pulling her closer with the other. 

Why was she being like this? He searched his memory for an answer, but found only pain. Oh, well, that answer would come in time. Until it did, he would just have to satisfy himself with trying his best to put her at ease. So he continued lightly caressing her throat until he felt her body relax against his. It did not take long, and eventually Mel simply gave in altogether, burying her face in his chest with a breathy sigh.

It was not fair, Mel reflected as she buried her face in his chest, inhaling deeply. She had worried about so many things when she had discovered that he had amnesia, but _this_... this had never occurred to her. How could it have? So unfair... She had _never_ been able to resist Cole's innocent overtures, even the ones that had not been meant as such. And now here he was, sure they were married, being every bit as insistent as he knew how to be, but still retaining that innocent quality she loved so much. 

At least with her face in his chest he could not reach her throat and had to content himself with gently stroking her hair. He stopped abruptly as he became aware that her entire body was trembling. He pushed her away far enough to stare into her beautiful eyes and wipe away the tears that marred them. 

"Mel, what's wrong?" he asked gently, sadly.

She shook her head, furious with herself. He _needed_ her to be the strong one right now. "Nothing. I'm... sorry, Cole."

"It's going to be okay, Mel..." he reassured her gently. 

He retrieved her bag, then walked back to her, sliding an arm around her waist and guiding her up the stairs. How many hundreds of times had he climbed these steps? It felt right, like coming home. Which was exactly what it was, he reflected as Mel unlocked the door to the apartment.

Composing herself, she took the bag from him. "Why don't you have a look around while I unpack?" she suggested gently. "See what you can remember."

Cole nodded and began nosing around as Mel carried her bag down the hall and into her bedroom. _The_ bedroom, he corrected himself, frowning. _Her_ bedroom? What a ridiculous thought. _Their_ bedroom. That was better. Smiling, he resumed his exploration of the apartment. 

Kitchen and living-room, memories of talking to Mel, eating with Mel, just sitting with Mel. All very pleasant, but none particularly useful.

Shaking his head, he moved on, pausing at the threshold of the bedroom and watching Mel as she unpacked. Nothing. Not a single memory associated with this room. He frowned in confusion. There should be several, he was sure. But there was nothing. Not so much as a 'good morning, Cole'. He sighed.

Mel looked up, startled. She smiled when she saw him. "Hey, Cole. What's up?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Trying... to remember things, Mel. Not working very well."

Mel gave him a reassuring grin and joined him in the hallway. "Give it time, Cole. It's been what, five minutes? Come on..." She took him by the hand and led him to his room. "What about here? You do most of your work here..." she told him, pushing the door open.

Cole looked around at the electronically equipment curiously. It _was_ familiar, undeniably so, but there were no pleasant associations to be had. In fact, the entire room left him feeling distinctly unsettled. He backed towards the door and bumped into Mel.

"Oh, sorry..." he muttered, shaken. He disliked that room a great deal, he decided. Ditto for whatever went on inside.

"Something wrong, Cole?" Mel asked, startled by his visible emotional reaction to the room. What had that been? Disgust? Revulsion? Where had _that_ come from?

He shook his head quickly, not wanting to worry her. "No, Mel." He flashed her a quick smile and started to close the door.

Mel stepped around him and placed the Collector and the other device on the desk, near the storage unit. She saw Cole frown thoughtfully as she did so, and wondered if he might not be connecting the Collector and the storage unit in his mind.

"Anything?" she asked gently.

He started to shake his head, then paused, thinking. A memory tried to form. 

_Mel standing at the door staring at him with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion as he concealed something in his hands and regarded her with a carefully blank expression. _

He pushed the memory away, though, disliking the sinking feeling it gave him. He tried again, focusing on Mel.

_Crawling out from under the desk where he had been rigging something up, bumping his head. Mel sympathizing._

It had been right after they met, he was sure. There was not yet the comfortable familiarity between them that marked their later interactions. Was that really the most pleasant memory this room held? Hitting his head and having Mel coo over it?

"You remember something?" Mel asked, noting his thoughtful expression.

He nodded slowly, frowning. "I hit my head on that desk there."

It took Mel several minutes to remember the incident herself. Right after Jess' friend had ODed on the Enixian drug. She nodded. "Yeah. You did. What else do you remember?"

"Nothing." He shook his aching head with a sigh and glanced at Mel. "I think I need a nap."

Mel nodded. It occurred to her, for the first time and with something resembling panic, that there was only one bed in the entire apartment. "Okay, Cole. I'll... I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

"Just this." Cole gently caught her in his arms and kissed her.

Mel let out a startled gasp, but quickly relaxed into his embrace. The part of her mind that insisted that this was wrong was quickly and decisively overruled by the combined votes of the rest of her mind and body. Kissing Cole felt _right_, that was just all there was to it. She knew rationally that she was going to have to tell him the truth, soon. Before bedtime, for sure. But in the meantime, one little kiss could not possibly hurt. Besides, it felt so _good_...

When he finally pulled away from her, looking shaky and grinning goofily, Mel felt as though she might not be able to make it down the stairs on her own. As she watched Cole shakily make his way towards her bedroom, her bed, she had to fight a sudden, strong urge to join him, especially when he turned around and gazed at her, his eyes inviting. 

Cole smiled hopefully at her. Less than a week without her had seemed like a lifetime, and he wanted nothing more now that to hold her close as often and for as long as he could, to get to know her again on all the levels he had forgotten. He smiled hopefully at her when he saw that she had hesitated. Perhaps she wanted to join him just as badly as he wanted her to?

Mel stared, startled. She had been unprepared for the look in Cole's eyes. Inviting, loving, hopeful, it was hard to resist. It was just so... _Cole_. Sweet, gentle, and naive but still wise. It promised that, if she went with him, a lot more would happen than just her keeping him company until he fell asleep. The thought was both alarming and appealing, her mind once more torn between its options. The knowledge that it would be _wrong_, would amount to taking advantage of him at best, vied with a desire that she had been holding on to for a very long time now.

As Cole watched, curious and hopeful, she felt the desire begin to win out. Shaking her head, she fled the apartment, leaving Cole confused and a little hurt.

Gwen, behind the bar, did not even need to be told. She took one look at Mel's face and guessed, "One large, dry gin martini?"

Mel nodded weakly and sat down. "Uh-huh..."

Gwen mixed it quickly, minding her own business and ignoring Mel's mussed appearance and shocked expression. It was obvious enough what Mel and Cole had just been up to without asking questions. "Here you go, Miss Porter." She handed Mel the drink with a sheepish smile. "I'll be... in the back. Taking inventory."

Mel nodded weakly. "Thanks, Gwen..." she muttered, taking a long drink. When Gwen was out of sight, she drained the glass and rested her head on the bar. "What am I going to tell him?" she groaned.

***

Cole sighed as he entered the bedroom. He felt strangely like an invader. Not a single memory told him that it was acceptable to be here, and he had more than one feeling telling him that it was not. All very strange. 

With a sigh, he stripped off his shirt and pants and climbed into the bed. The sheets were soft and smooth against his skin, and the pillow that he rested his head on smelled like Mel. In fact, everything about the room was of Mel. It even _felt_ like her. Which, he reflected, hugging a pillow to his chest, was not a bad thing. The satiny pillowcase reminded him of the way Mel's skin felt when he touched it, a feeling only reinforced by the fact that this pillow, too, smelled like her.

Mel... everything about her was comforting. Her smell, the sound of her voice, her touch. Cole closed his eyes and allowed himself to imagine what it must feel like to hold her against him at night, to feel her gentle touch against his bare chest. He sighed deeply when imaginings did not become memories. It was both annoying and painful to only be able to remember a handful of intimate moments with her when he _knew_ that there must have been so many more. After all, they had been married. Marriage was about being close. And, yet... he could not remember ever having shared this bed with Mel. Any bed. Ever. 

It was all very confusing. He could remember so many inconsequential details of his life with Mel, but could not recall any of the important events. He did not remember their wedding or even much of their honeymoon. He remembered Gwen, who had worked at the Watchfire for less than a month, but he could not remember the first time he had met Mel. It was beyond confusing, it was painful, mentally and physically.

Cole opened his eyes with a sigh and climbed out of the bed. He searched the apartment, looking for another bed, but Mel's was the only bed evident. He would never get to sleep there, though, not feeling, as he did, like an invader there. With a sigh, he stretched out on the couch and quickly fell asleep there, still hugging her pillow to his chest.

***

When Mel came upstairs, the first thing she did was to peek into her bedroom to check on Cole. She felt a surge of raw panic to not find him there. Panic was quickly calmed when she found him asleep on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest. She crouched next to him and lightly caressed his cheek, relieved. His eyes slowly opened and he smiled up at her.

"Hello, Mel."

"Cole, what are you doing sleeping out here?" she asked gently.

"Couldn't sleep in the bedroom, Mel. It felt... _wrong_."

"You're going to give yourself a sore neck sleeping on the couch, Cole. Come on, let's get you into bed." 

Sighing, Mel helped him to his feet and walked him to the bedroom. Wrong? Why should sleeping in her bed feel wrong to him? Perhaps memories of their life as it had been were finally starting to reassert themselves. Which would save her the pain and confusion of having to explain to Cole. He was still half-asleep, she could tell, so she did not bother to question him further, contenting herself to sit next to him as he curled up under the covers. She caressed his face and chest lightly. 

"Get some sleep, Cole. And when you wake up, we need to talk."

He nodded, yawning. "Yes, Mel."

She smiled. He looked so sweet, just about to fall asleep. "What do you dream about?" she asked quietly, pulling the blanket up to his chin. The fact that he was sleeping at all now was alarming, but, as Amelia had said, he was still weak from whatever had happened. Not sure what else _to_ do, she could only hope that he would recover soon.

"Dream?" he repeated curiously.

She nodded. "Yeah. _Do_ you dream, Cole?"

"Don't know, Mel. I don't really remember..." He frowned, troubled. He had read a lot at Amelia's home, so he knew that _everyone_ dreamed. Still, he could not remember a single of his own dreams.

She smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, Cole." She patted his shoulder. "Get some sleep, okay?"

"Yes, Mel." He yawned again. The couch had really been uncomfortable, and Mel's bed, _their_ bed, he corrected himself, was really very comfortable indeed. Lying there was like... like being inside of her, a part of her, connected to her. It was not just comfortable, but infinitely comforting, just as Mel's presence was. He smiled up at her and reached up, covering the hand on his shoulder with one of his own. "Thank you, Mel." 

She smiled back at him. "Sleep well, okay?"

He nodded and smiled up at her until his eyes drifted shut. Even then, though, he saw her face until oblivion claimed him.

Mel smiled down at him, sighing. He looked so innocent while he slept, every inch the man she had fallen in love with… fallen in love with but could never have. She brushed the hair back off of his face and kissed his forehead lightly.

"What am I going to _tell_ you?" she whispered to the sleeping man.

He stirred slightly in his sleep, clasping her hand more tightly, but did not otherwise respond. Shaking her head, she slipped off her shoes and moved to the other side of the bed, curling up next to him. Even knowing that he thought they were married, even knowing what they could never have, his presence comforted her. All she wanted was a moment, a time and place where the outside world could not reach in to trouble her. Sighing, she nestled against him and closed her eyes as his arms instinctively closed around her without him being aware of it. Warmed and relaxed by his presence, she quickly fell asleep.  


	2. Why?

**Chapter 2 -- Why? **

Mel woke up first and quickly sat up, pulling herself out of Cole's embrace and feeling guilty even though nothing had happened. She had not _meant_ to fall asleep. Not exactly, anyway. She had just wanted to rest her tired eyes for a few minutes while enjoying Cole's presence. Now it was dark outside her window's half-opened shutters, so she had obviously been out for some time. At least Cole had not woken up first.

_Damn..._ Mel thought as his eyes drifted open. 

He looked up at her and smiled. "Hello..."

"Um, hi, Cole..." she said, trying to smile and sound cheerful.

"You feeling okay, Mel?" he asked, sitting up and examining her closely. She was wearing a _very_ forced smile and her cheerful tone did not ring true. "Is something wrong?" he asked, caressing her throat. She was _beautiful _when she first woke, even with that strained expression.

She shook her head, debating whether or not to pull away. The part of her mind that she was growing to hate won, and she smiled at him, closing her eyes and enjoying the feel of his warm hands on the sensitive skin of her throat. His touch left her heart pounding and her head spinning. It was like a rush, a drug, addictive, exhilarating... soothing. She knew it was wrong, knew that she was taking advantage of Cole, but she felt powerless. As badly as she wanted to be completely honest with him, it was a losing battle. More and more, she found herself just wanting to let Cole lead the way, to just give in to his delusion of what they were. As wrong as she knew it was, though, a very large part of her mind simply did not care. Or maybe she had stopped thinking with her mind?

She opened her eyes and quickly slid off the bed, backing towards the door. "I need to... downstairs... help Gwen..." she muttered, flustered. _Great, now I'm talking like Yoda!_

"Mel?" Cole asked, frowning in confusion. What was wrong with her? Why was she acting like this? It was mystifying. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked, rising and approaching her.

She abruptly found herself wedged between the nearly-naked Cole and a wall with no good way to pull away without hurting his feelings. She shook her head quickly. "No, Cole. You didn't do anything wrong..." she assured him gently. She reached up to touch his chest reassuringly, but changed her mind and dropped her hand, wincing at Cole's hurt expression. "I'm just... there's a lot going on with me... with _us_ right now." 

She smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring way and ducked away, fleeing to the relative safety of downstairs. She stopped about half-way across the bar floor as it occurred to her that Cole might follow her, exactly as he was, into the crowded bar. Horrified, she turned and hurried back towards the apartment, stopping Cole just as he started to come out, dressed, as she had feared, only in his underwear.

"Mel, I think we need to talk..." he said softly. 

He was confused and more than a little hurt by her behavior. Sometimes she acted as though she craved his touch, the rest of the time, as though it was abhorrent to her. It was hard to understand, the rejection that much harder to take because it was not constant. When she allowed him to touch her, he could see the love, and the _want_, in her eyes. The rest of the time, there was only fear and confusion... and something that looked a lot like shame. None of it made any sense, and he wanted, _needed_ to understand.

"Not right now!" she hissed, glancing down at him. "And _not_ like that!" She realized that her voice was rising and lowered it, pushing him back up the stairs before anyone saw him. Anyone _else_, she amended, noticing that Gwen was staring at them with an unreadable expression. "Cole, I've got a bar full of people out there... You can _not_ be walking around in your underwear!"

"I'm sorry, Mel..." he said softly, reaching for her throat only to have her duck out of his way. 

It occurred to him that she had given him this lecture before. He could not remember exactly what she had said, only that she had walked him up the stairs and shoved clothes into his hands.

_"You need more help than I can give you..."_

What the hell was he doing running around the bar in nothing but his underwear anyway? He shook his head in confusion. Predictably, it had begun to ache again.

"I'm sorry, Mel..." he repeated sadly. "I didn't mean to make you angry."

"I'm _not_ angry with you, Cole..." she muttered, aware that she was about to start crying. "It's this whole insane situation..."

"Please don't be sad..." he whispered, frowning in concern. He reached for her throat again, but dropped his hand, remembering her earlier reaction.

Mel sighed. "You wear clothes whenever you aren't in bed or in the tub, okay, Cole?" she said firmly but gently, turning and walking back into the bar.

Cole stared after her with a sigh, shaking his head and leaning against the wall. What was happening to them? Why was she acting this way? Why was _he_? Rubbing his forehead, he walked up the stairs and pulled his clothes on, his skin resenting the feel of the fabric after its previous freedom.

_"Feel strange..." he protested as she made him get dressed again._

He shook his head in confusion and walked into the bathroom, helping himself to several aspirin. What a bizarre thing to say. Hell, what a bizarre way to _behave_. No wonder Mel was so frustrated with him. He was rapidly growing frustrated with himself. He needed someone to talk to... In the past, he knew instinctively, that person had always been Mel. So who was he supposed to talk to now? Who would understand?

He considered for a few moments. He did not get the impression that he had many friends. Mel, maybe Gwen, but that was it. Gwen... Why not? They were friends, or, at least, got along well. Mel had said so. Besides, there was something about the girl that was very familiar, like an old friend or a favorite place to visit. And she knew Mel as well, which actually made her a very _good_ person to talk to. Shrugging, he started down the stairs.

Gwen saw him and immediately walked over to him, filling a glass with seltzer-water and handing it to him. The bar was quiet enough, especially now that Mel was helping, to allow her to linger. "This'll help your stomach-ache."

He frowned uncertainly. "How did you know my stomach hurts?"

She smiled. "Your face is an open book." Noticing his confusion, she explained, "Um... your expressions are very easy to read. They tell a person a lot. Drink up."

He smiled and took a cautious sip. Water with bubbles. Interesting. "Thank you."

"Penny for your thoughts." 

He glanced quizzically at her.

"What's on your mind, Mister Hauser? You seem troubled."

"I am..." He shrugged. "Mel's upset with me."

Gwen smiled faintly. "Next time, get dressed before you come downstairs. _That_ will help a lot."

He nodded slowly. "I got that."

She sighed gently. "Yeah. Um... she's under a lot of stress, you know? She was really worried about you. Still is."

"I know..." He closed his eyes, frustrated. "How do I change that?"

"You get your memory back."

"But I _can't_..." he protested. "Every time I try to, I get a headache..."

"Hey, we'll get you around that... Try not to worry so much." She looked up as a patron waved his hand at her. "Tell you what, I'll be in early tomorrow. We'll talk some more then. No interruptions." She smiled reassuringly and patted his hand. "Sound good?"

"Yes." He smiled back. "Thank you for listening, Gwen."

"Hey, I'm a bartender. It's what I do." Grinning at him and gently patting his hand, she hurried to help the customer.

Cole stared after her and finished his drink. It really _was_ helping his stomach. He saw Mel glancing at him and smiled at her. She smiled back and started towards him, but was called away before she made it. Shrugging, Cole rose and walked back upstairs. His headache was really getting intolerable, so he stripped again and curled up on the bed.

***

"So, um... what were you and Cole talking about?" Mel asked Gwen in what she hoped was a casual voice as the two women closed for the night.

"Oh, he was worried that you're upset with him over..." She nodded towards the stair-well. "You know..."

"Oh..." Mel nodded, relieved that Cole had not said anything to arouse any suspicion from Gwen. Come to think of it, Gwen was never one to ask very many questions at all, no matter _what_ odd behavior Cole might be engaging in at a given time. Which, Mel supposed, was really just as well. "So... you told him I wasn't, right?"

She nodded. "I told him you're just worried about him." She glanced up at Mel. "He's worried about you, too, I think. He's scared, and he seems so sad..."

Mel sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I know. It's... hard, Gwen."

She nodded. "I'm not sure he knows exactly where he stands, Miss Porter, and I think it's got him worried."

"Yeah. I'll let him know where he stands just as soon as I figure out where _I_ stand..." Mel muttered.

"He needs to know that you're still there for him, no matter what..." Gwen said softly. "As hard as this must be for you... think what it's got to be like for _him_..." She sighed. She felt so sorry for both of them. She might have trusted in fate, but she also knew that it had a sick, twisted sense of humor. This seemed just another example. "Night, Miss Porter..."

"Night, Gwen." 

Mel sighed as she watched the girl go. Gwen was right, though. Cole needed to know that Mel would always be there for him. No matter what. It would have been nice if she could have believed the same about him. Shaking her head, she walked upstairs, changing in the dark rather than risk waking Cole. She climbed gingerly into bed, reminding herself firmly to stay to her side.

They were going to have to sit down tomorrow and have a nice long talk. She was overdue to tell him everything, anyway, should have done so in Alaska instead of waiting one minute. It was too late to remedy the damage that that decision had caused, but it was not too late to prevent further damage from being done. She hoped. Most important right now was getting Cole's memory back before Zin found out about his condition and tried to take advantage of the situation. 

Zin... Mel sighed. That man had taken _everything_ from Cole in the past few months, tried even to take Mel herself. What hurt worst for Cole, Mel suspected, was the betrayal of his trust. It was a hard enough thing for a Cirronian to understand in the first place, and, though Cole never spoke of it, she suspected that they had been friends before, which had made the betrayal that much more difficult for Cole.

Mel sighed in the darkness, hating Zin for all the things he had done to Cole. "Sleep well, Cole..." she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes. 

Poor Cole had lost so much in his life. His memory was just one more thing that had been ripped away from him. And she was not helping in the least she realized, the thought borne on a wave of self-disgust. Here he was, struggling to find himself, and she was allowing him to continue believing in a lie. That almost seemed to make her friendship as much a lie as Zin's had been... The thought was unbearable to Mel, and reaffirmed her decision to tell him everything just as soon as they woke up in the morning. It was, after all, long overdue. She could only hope that Cole would understand why she had waited so long.

***

Cole gradually returned to consciousness, for a long time too exhausted to move. What finally roused him was the awareness that the woman next to him was in obvious distress. She was tossing on the bed, muttering in her sleep, protesting something with increasing vehemence. Cole sat and stared, uncertain how to react. No memory, nothing he knew, gave him any frame of reference for handling this situation.

Still, when she awoke with a start, calling out his name, he knew exactly how to react. Murmuring soothingly, he gathered her into his arms and held her trembling body tight against his chest, rocking her.

Shaken by the nightmares, the same ones that had kept her up after Cole had gone missing, Mel buried her face in his chest with a strangled sob and wrapped her arms around him. She was so grateful that he was there to hold her and whisper that everything was going to be okay that she forgot that she was trying to keep physical contact with him to a minimum. Anyway, this could not hurt. This was comfort, pure and simple. Even so, though, she knew that it should not be allowed to last for too long.

She pulled away and smiled at him in the darkness. "Thank you, Cole..."

"Do you have bad dreams like this often?" he asked, concerned.

She shook her head. "No. This is... not normal for me." 

In fact, Mel had never in her life experienced a nightmare until... She paused to think. Right, Cole's capture by the government. It had been hard to get any sleep at all for three or four days after that, but the dreams had stopped as abruptly as they had started. Only to start up again after the seminar, images of Cole hanging lifeless from those chains... and they had only gotten worse after he had gone after Ansen and then vanished.

"Not normal at all..." she assured him quietly in the darkness. "I think I've just been so worried lately..."

"Well, you don't have to be worried any more, Mel..." he told her gently, caressing her throat. "I'm here now, and I will _never_ leave you."

Mel sobbed again at that quiet reassurance. "Don't _say_ that!" she snapped, rising abruptly. 

If she had, for one second, believed the truth of that statement, she would have taken Cole in her arms and made love to him until morning. The problem was that Cole _would_ leave her one day. They both knew it, and it hurt. If he had been in a different state of mind, he would have known it too, and never said anything like that to her. What hurt worst was not her own pain, but the knowledge that, if Cole truly felt as he believed he did, the inevitable would be that much more difficult and painful for him.

"Mel, I don't understand!" Cole protested, following her as she fled the room. He felt so _frustrated_. What had he said to upset her so much? 'I will never leave you'? Why would that upset her, though? He shook his head in confusion, following Mel down the stairs and into the dark, empty bar. "Mel, please!"

She turned to look at him, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Cole. I can't do this right now..." She shook her head, furious with herself for being so damned selfish. "I just can't deal with this right now."

"But I don't understand..." He sighed and walked up to her, gently wrapping his hands around her arms. "Mel, help me, please..." He stared into her eyes, desperate for answers. All he saw was sorrow. "What did I do?"

She sighed and shook her head. "It isn't anything you did, Cole. It's just..." She shook her head, too tired, too frustrated, too confused to think clearly. "Can we talk about it in the morning?"

"Why can't we talk about it now?" he protested.

"Because we're both very tired and neither one of us is in a great state of mind for this."

He sighed and stared at her in confusion. "Mel, what's wrong? Is... is there something wrong? With us?"

Mel sighed. She was feeling far too confused to explain now. She could not even convince herself of an answer, one way or the other. She was exhausted, still on the verge of tears from her dream, emotional from everything that had happened since she had woken up, and likely to go into hysterics the first time anyone so much as _looked_ at her sideways. Trying to explain _anything_ to Cole in her present state of mind would do much more harm than good. 

"Can we talk about it in the morning, Cole? Please? I will tell you everything then, but I can _not_ do this tonight."

He frowned in confusion, but nodded. "Yes, Mel. Can we go back to bed now?"

Mel found herself debating whether to sleep on the couch, but she was too tired and too emotional to answer the questions that _that_ would have raised. She nodded weakly and let Cole lead her back up the stairs. As they walked, he wracked his brains for some clue as to what could be causing this reaction in her. She seemed so sad. How could she be sad that he loved her? He searched his memories, trying to force new ones until the pain became unbearable. He groaned and grabbed onto the railing for support.

"Cole?" Mel asked, alarmed. She reached out and slid her shoulder under his arm, supporting him the rest of the way up the stairs and into the bedroom. "Are you okay?" she asked as she laid him out on the bed. "What happened?"

"Headache, Mel."

"I'll get you one of those pills, okay?" she offered gently.

He nodded and smiled weakly at her. "Thank you, Mel."

Mel rose and walked into the bathroom, helping herself to a sleeping pill before she got a pill and a glass of water for Cole. She walked into the bedroom and helped Cole into a sitting position long enough to take his pill. Her mind was racing, her previous concern over what to tell him replaced by more immediate worry over the pain he was in and what she could do to help him. She sat on the edge of the bed with him for several minutes, lightly caressing his forehead and murmuring soothingly to him until he fell asleep. 

Then, sighing, she walked around the bed and dropped onto it herself. " You poor baby..." she whispered in the darkness, staring at the sleeping man. Sleeping alien, she corrected herself, her mind, now that she was sure he was comfortable, turning back to the task that lay before her. 

Sleeping alien... Which was, she supposed, as good a place to start as any. She sighed again, watching him sleep, looking so innocent, so gentle. Would he believe her? Did he _want_ to know the truth? What would she do if he did not believe her? Would simply telling him, whether he believed her or not, be enough to restore his memories?

The thoughts tripped chaotically through her mind until she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	3. Brick Walls

**Chapter 3 -- Brick Walls**

Cole lay with his eyes closed for several minutes after he woke up, not wanting to leave the warm, comfortable bed. Or the woman still sleeping next to him. He opened his eyes and glanced curiously at her. She was curled up on her side facing him, her face flush, a slight smile playing across her features. She looked beautiful, peaceful, a stark contrast to the night before. Smiling, he brushed a few stray strands of hair out of her face. Although she did not stir, her smile widened faintly at his touch, encouraging Cole. Impulsively, he leaned towards her and gently kissed her forehead.

"So beautiful..." he whispered, rising and getting dressed. 

He was faintly troubled by the argument of the night before, but, watching Mel, it was hard _not_ to feel serene. He would find a way to keep her. A woman like Mel was worth fighting for, no matter how hard it might prove to be. All he had to do was figure out what he had done to upset her and not do it again. Easiest thing in the world. Smiling, he gave Mel one last kiss before leaving the bedroom.

He hesitated outside of the closed door of his room. The War-room, Mel had dubbed it. Frowning thoughtfully and wondering at the significance of the title, he pushed the door open and entered.

_"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly are we doing?" Mel asked brightly as Cole worked._

_"Looking for _them_."_

He frowned. _Them_? Looking? He glanced around the room, willing himself to remember who _they_ were and why he had been looking for them. And why did thinking about it make him feel so unsettled? Everything about this room was uncomfortable for some reason. Shaking his head, he backed out and closed the door.

Downstairs. Lots of good feelings associated with the bar. Nodding, he quietly left the apartment. Gwen had not yet arrived for the day, so he was alone. Shrugging, he turned on the jukebox. Leaning against the jukebox and closing his eyes, he listened to the music, their song, and lost himself in the memory of learning to dance in Mel's arms.

"That is your _favorite_ song, isn't it?" an amused voice asked.

Cole smiled but did not open his eyes. "Hello, Gwen."

"Do you _ever_ listen to anything else?" Gwen laughed, shaking her head and hanging up her jacket.

Cole shook his head. "No, I don't think so." As the song ended, he opened his eyes and turned to face her, smiling. 

She shook her head and pulled a small radio/CD player out of her backpack. "Variety is the spice of life, Mister Hauser." Grinning, she tuned the radio to her favorite oldies station. "Now _this_ is music!" she announced as 'Higher and Higher' came on. "Jackie Robinson. Mmm..." She looked up at Cole who was staring at her uncertainly. "What? Not your speed?"

He shook his head slowly. "I'm not sure. I mean, it's... _nice_."

She smiled and turned down the radio. "It's all good. More into pop?" she asked, fiddling the dial.

"What is that song you were listening to yesterday?" he asked abruptly. It had been very pretty, and had made him feel very nice.

"Yesterday?" she repeated, frowning thoughtfully.

"Yes, when Mel and I came back from the airport."

"Oh, right... Um..." She paused thoughtfully for a moment. "Oh! 'Sister Golden Hair'."

He smiled and nodded. "It's a very pretty song. Can we listen to it again?"

She nodded and pulled a CD caddy out of her bag, flipping through the CDs until she found the right one. "America. Good group. You know their other work?"

He thought for a moment, then shook his head, rubbing it. He was starting to get very annoyed with that nagging pain that showed up every time he tried to remember anything. Sighing, he sat down. "Don't think so. Not sure."

"It's okay." She smiled and plugged the CD in. "Track... Twelve." She leaned her elbows on the bar as the music started. She watched Cole listening with a faint smile on his face.

_Well, I keep on thinking 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair, surprise, _

_And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes? _

_I've been one poor correspondent, and I've been too, too hard to find, _

_But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind... _

Cole smiled as he listened to the refrain. It was so... appropriate. An almost perfect description of his mental state in the last few days. He grinned up at Gwen. "I like that. It's very nice."

"Fitting, even." She smiled at him and turned off the player. "See, this is why it's good to listen to many different types of music. You can always find something to fit your mood."

Cole smiled and nodded. The song had cheered him greatly.

"So, how was your night?" Gwen asked gently after a few minutes of silence.

He frowned, his cheerful mood evaporating. "Not good. I think I upset Mel." He sighed. "Again."

"What happened?" Gwen asked, putting on a pot of coffee.

"I don't know." He shook his head and walked over to her, sitting at the bar. "All I did was tell her that I'd never leave her and she got upset..." He sighed and shook his head. "I don't understand it, Gwen. I'm trying _so hard_..."

"Yeah, I know. So does Miss Porter."

"Then why is she angry with me?"

"She's really not, Mister Hauser."

He frowned dubiously. "She's acting like she is."

Gwen shook her head and gave him a gentle smile. "No, she's just frustrated. Like you. This is hard for her, too. She worries about you, Mister Hauser..."

He sighed. "I know. I just... It would be so much easier if she would just tell me why she's... acting like she is." He shook his head in frustration. "Or if I could remember something..."

"No luck yet on that front?" she asked quietly.

He shook his head. "Trying to remember... it's like... hitting my head against a brick wall..."

Gwen considered this for a moment. "What do you say we find a way around that brick wall for you, then?"

"Is that possible?" he asked, surprised.

"There is only one way to find out." Gwen gave him a challenging smile. "Come on, what do you say?"

Cole nodded. Finding his memories would make Mel happy, and it would make it easier for _him_ to make Mel happy. "What do I do?"

She smiled and extended her hand. "Let's grab a seat." They walked into the alcove together and sat down on one of the couches there. Gwen pulled her knees under her chin. "You trust me?" she asked Cole.

He nodded. "Shouldn't I?"

Gwen grinned and shrugged. "Not sure. Maybe I've got a deep dark secret or two in here somewhere."

He smiled and shook his head. "I don't think so." A nice young girl like that could not _possibly_ have anything to hide. "Why do you ask?"

"Because, if we're going to do this, you need to be willing to do what I tell you." She grinned wickedly. "Within reason."

Cole looked at her uncertainly, not sure what she was getting at. "What are you going to ask me to do?"

"Um..." Gwen considered. "Visualizations."

"Visualizations?" he repeated, frowning curiously.

She nodded. "I'm going to ask you to picture some things in your mind. Hopefully, this'll help you remember things." She added, "It's not even real hypnosis, so you retain total control." Like most psychology students, Gwen had been trained to be wary of all things Freudian, including hypnosis to a large extent.

Cole nodded. "Picturing things in my mind. I think I can do that."

She nodded and smiled at him. "Okay, good. Get comfortable and then close your eyes." When he had shifted position slightly and closed his eyes, she continued in a low, gentle tone, "Just focus on my voice, okay?"

"Okay..." He nodded.

"Good. I want you to relax. Ignore everything except the sound of my voice. Let the sounds of the traffic outside fade. Go into your own mind, as deep as you need to in order to be comfortable. The only thing you need to be concerned about that isn't in your mind is my voice. Those are the only two things that matter. Okay? The weight of your clothes, the way the armrest feels under your hands... let those slip away. They're only distracting you. You can ignore them. You _should_. The only things that matter are your own mind and my voice. Do you understand?"

"Yeah..." his voice was soft, distant and he did not move.

"Wonderful." Gwen smiled faintly and lightly touched his hand. No reaction. "Wonderful, Cole. You're doing a wonderful job. You can move around in your mind freely now, can't you?"

"No. There are barriers. Walls."

Gwen frowned. That would have been too easy, but she had hoped. "Okay. Go to a place that you're comfortable. Somewhere that makes you feel peaceful. Can you reach such a place?"

Cole cast about in his mind, encountering wall after wall, until he found himself in the Watchfire, dancing with Mel. He smiled. "Yes."

"Good." Gwen smiled. She had never tried this particular technique before, but so far it seemed to be working. "Okay. You memorize the location of this place, so that no matter what happens you can always go back there. Nothing can harm you here. The outside world can't reach in. Do you understand?"

"Yes. Just me and Mel."

Gwen bit her lower lip, grinning. He certainly did have a one-track mind. "Yes, just you and Mel. Now... I want you to think about something that you would _like_ to remember but can't. Okay, take your time... Something you'd _really_ like to remember... It doesn't have to be big or important... just something that it'll make you happy to recall. Can you think of something like that?"

Cole paused for a minute. "Meeting Mel."

Gwen nodded. "Okay. That's a good one. I need you to leave your peaceful place now. Imagine that you walk outside, and you're walking down a road. Look around as you go. See things that have happened in your life. Don't bother trying to absorb them yet, just walk. The farther you walk, the more you see. Look for Mel. Can you see her?"

"Yes." Cole smiled again. "Her car's broken and... she's wearing a pretty dress. There's no one else around, and she looks worried to see me. She's scared of me..." He paused briefly, trying to discern why. "I think she must think that I want to harm her, but... I start her car for her, and she offers to drive me into Chicago. She... she talks the whole way." He smiled happily. "She has a very beautiful voice."

Gwen looked up to see Mel standing in the stairway looking surprised and, perhaps, a little worried. "That's good, Mister Hauser. How's your head?"

"It hurts a lot."

"Okay. I want you to go back into your peaceful place. Do you remember the way?"

"Yes."

"Good. Go there. Relax there until your head starts feeling better, then tell me when you're ready to look for another memory. Okay?"

"Okay."

Gwen rose and walked over to Mel. "We're just working on some visualization techniques to see if he can't recover some of his memories that way..." she said quietly.

"Did you _hypnotize _him?" Mel asked, staring at Cole. 

That could be dangerous. What if he said something that he was not supposed to? What if he already _had_? Her first impulse was to be furious with Gwen, but the girl was, of course, just being her usual, helpful self. Gwen had no idea about who and what Cole was, so she would  not have seen any harm in this... whatever it was. Gwen was being Gwen, trying to help without being asked, like the way she often had the entire bar set up before Mel even got up in the morning.

Of course this was entirely different. It had nothing to do with washing glasses and putting out bowls of nuts and pretzels. From the look on Gwen's face, Cole had not had, or, at least not _revealed_ any memories about being an alien, but that meant very little. He might at any time with Gwen leading him on a guided tour through his own mind.

Gwen shook her head. "No, not really. He's just in a state of deep relaxation and introspection. It facilitates the visualization process."

"Oh..." Mel nodded as though she understood that, a habit she had picked up living around Cole. "Is it working?"

Gwen nodded. "He just remembered your first meeting."

"I heard." She nodded and smiled. He had almost brought tears to her eyes when he described her voice as beautiful. 

Mel quickly considered what course to take. If she let this continue, she faced the risk that Cole might remember something about being an alien. Of course, remembering it for himself might be better, easier for him, than having Mel try to break it to him. Still, if he remembered something and revealed it to Gwen... that would cause problems. As would her attempting to stop this now, which would raise many  questions from both of them. 

So, what to do?

The real question, of course, was how far could Mel trust Cole not to reveal something to Gwen that would raise problems later on. As badly as she wanted Cole to recall anything at all, she was worried about Gwen's reaction to any accidental disclosures. Which would be worse? Gwen's reaction to the revelation that Cole was not human or Gwen's reaction to Mel cutting off the impromptu session midway? Might Gwen not just as easily decide that any assertion Cole made that he was not human were simply another defense-mechanism? 

And, of course, there was one other factor to consider. Cole's wishes. Cole had asked Gwen to help him, or, at least, agreed to accept her help. How would he react if Mel tried to stop the recovery process? Mel had been agonizing over her inability to tell the truth to him, comparing herself to Zin and her actions to Zin's betrayal of Cole. Was circumventing this half-way through when it was so obviously working really any different than her previous omissions?

"Can I... watch?" she asked, finally, hoping to be able to prevent Cole from revealing too much if it came to that, not sure what else to do. She really had no clue what else _to_ do.

Gwen nodded. "Sure. Your place, your friend."

Mel grabbed a chair and sat close to Cole, almost but not quite touching him. Gwen sat down near him on the couch again and waited patiently.

"My head feels better now..." Cole said finally.

"Good." Gwen smiled and nodded. "Want to try another?"

"Can he hear me?" Mel asked abruptly.

"Yes, Mel..." Cole said, smiling. "I can hear you."

Gwen looked a little startled by this. "I thought you were ignoring outside distractions, Mister Hauser."

"Mel is too distracting." His smile flickered.

_"I can't afford to be distracted again..." he hated himself even as he said it, feeling empty and so very, very alone..._

He shook his head and quickly returned to his peaceful place, to the solitude of Mel's arms. "My head hurts."

"It's okay... you're okay. Just relax in your peaceful place until the pain goes away. Inhale clean, pure air. Exhale the pain and the confusion. Inhale the clean, pure air. Exhale the pain and the confusion. See it as a little cloud of vapor, like when it's cold outside. Watch it leave your body. _Feel_ it leaving you. Feel the peace and the serenity all around you. Let it relax you. Remember that nothing can hurt you in here. The outside world can't reach in. It's just you and my voice." She paused, then added, "And Miss Porter."

Cole smiled. "Yes. Just Mel and the sound of your voice. My head feels better now."

"Good." Gwen smiled and nodded. "Let's try to find another memory. You said earlier that there were barriers?"

"Yes. Many of them. Brick walls that hurt."

"Only because you're running into them head-first. That's bound to hurt. I want you to find one, but don't try to move through it. Just find one and put your hand on it. Tell me when you've found one."

There was a brief pause. Cole searched his mind for the nearest brick wall. He looked at it thoughtfully, imagined resting his hand against it. "I've found one. It's... very high. I don't think I can get over it."

"Don't try..." Gwen said gently. "Feel the brick under your hand. What does it feel like?"

Cole frowned. "Cold. Hurts my hand."

"Okay, that's okay. Take your hand off the wall, reach into your pocket. There's a pair of gloves there. Take them out, put them on."

"They aren't here."

"They're in your other pocket. Look there..." she said firmly.

He smiled. "I found them."

"Good." Gwen smiled, pleased that he was being so agreeable. "Put them on."

"Okay."

"Now put your hand on the wall again."

"Okay."

"Are the gloves keeping your hands warm?"

"Kind of."

"Okay." Gwen nodded. "Start walking, Mister Hauser. Keep one hand on the wall and just walk. See if there's a way around it, or a crack or a door. Some way to get inside."

"There is a door."

"Good." Gwen smiled. "Open it."

"I can't, it's locked."

"That can't stop you. You aren't in the physical world. Put your hand over the knob, close your eyes, and will the door to unlock. It will."

Cole did as she suggested, then smiled. "I can turn the knob now."

Gwen grinned. "Wonderful. Now, open the door and look inside. What can you see?"

"A clearing in the forest. Two men." He frowned, confused. "One of them is _me_..."

"That's okay. It's a memory. As soon as you step over that threshold, you _become_ the man in the memory. The memory becomes yours again. Take the step."

Cole hesitated. The two men circled each other as if they were about to fight. "No. I'm scared."

"Nothing in there can hurt you. The outside world can't get in. You don't have to be afraid..." Gwen assured him. "Take the step."

_"You just don't give up, do you, Tracker?" his opponent sneered._

"No." Cole shook his head. "I can't. It's... it makes me feel... empty. Alone."

Mel took his hand in hers. "Cole, you are _not_ alone..."

He squeezed her hand and smiled, reassured. "Will you come with me, Mel?"

"Yes..." she whispered. "As long as we are a part of each other's lives, Cole, you _never_ have to worry about being alone."

Cole smiled and squeezed her hand again, then stepped through the door.

_"You just don't give up, do you, Tracker?" his opponent sneered._

_"After you killed those girls? You expected me to ignore that?" He shook his head, looking incredulous. "You thought I would rest before I recaptured you? You're worse than Zin, Ansen! Children!"_

_"If you knew what Zin had planned for these monkeys, you wouldn't say that." _

_"You kill children for _fun_!" he spat in disgust. "You deserve worse than what you're going to get from me."_

_"Killing them wasn't all I did..." Ansen taunted, reaching into his pocket. "They begged for death by the time I was through with them, Tracker. You... your death will be easy compared to theirs."_

_"This is going to be very painful..." Cole said softly, grabbing Ansen's shoulder._

_A blinding flash of green light knocked Cole to his knees. He clutched his stomach, feeling weak and disoriented. By the time the second shot hit him, this time squarely in the face, he was too weak to even move out of the way._

_Amelia jumping to his defense... Red and black energy flowing from Ansen into his hand..._

"Ah!" Cole gasped, clutching his head and sliding to the floor.

"Cole!" Mel muttered anxiously, glaring at Gwen.

Wide-eyed, she shook her head in confusion, at a loss for words. That was _not_ supposed to happen. "What happened, Mister Hauser? Was it something you remembered?" 

"Ansen..." he gasped, resting his head in Mel's lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. "Those poor little girls..." he whispered, tears forming in his eyes.

"Oh, Cole..." Mel muttered. "It's okay. You caught him, so it's okay. He can't hurt any more children." She paused. "You _did_ catch him?"

"Yes, but not before he..." Cole trailed off. "He attacked me somehow. I... I'm not sure..."

"It's okay..." Mel reassured him gently. "You're going to be okay."

"My head hurts so bad..." he whispered.

Gwen dropped to her knees next to him. "Close your eyes. Go back to your peaceful place. Let yourself relax. You caught Ansen, you did the job. You don't need to worry about that any more. Absorb all the serenity around you, breathe it in. Exhale the pain and anxiety. You made a lot of progress this morning. We're both very proud of you. Feel Mel's hand on your back, her hand on your face. She's there for you. Always. No matter what. Not just in your peaceful place, but everywhere..."

"Everywhere..." Cole whispered, nodding and opening his eyes. "I... my head hurts. I need to rest now."

Gwen nodded as she and Mel helped him to his feet. "You did very well. I'm sorry it had to be painful for you."

"It's... okay. Not important." Cole nodded weakly. "What's important is that I remember more than I did." He looked hopefully at Mel, recalling that she had quizzed him about his profession their first night back together, asking him to remember for her. "I remember what my job is..."

Mel smiled, happy tears in her eyes. "That's great, Cole. Let's get you upstairs."

"We need to talk later..." Gwen muttered to Mel as they walked past.

Startled, Mel nodded, then returned her attention to Cole. "Come on, Cole... You did great..." she muttered quietly, supporting him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, too weak to move, so Mel started pulling off his shirt.

As Mel undressed him, he reflected on the memory, in spite of the pain the action brought. It was something Mel wanted him to remember.

_"You just don't give up, do you, Tracker?" The term Tracker spoken like the ultimate slur._

_Mel's voice, "What exactly are we doing?"_

_"Looking for _them_." Them, the fugitives. Men like Ansen, escaped prisoners. He had to find them, all of them. That was his job._

He cradled his head in his hands, hissing in pain. 

"It's okay, Cole..." Mel assured him gently, pushing him back onto the bed. "You stay put and I'll get you something for the pain."

He smiled lovingly at her. "Thank you, Mel." 

Cole closed his eyes and considered the information that the memories had provided. His job: tracking escaped criminals. Dangerous men. A dangerous job. No wonder Mel was so worried all the time.

"Here you go, Cole..." Mel said softly, helping him sit up and swallow the pills. She pulled off his pants before helping him lie down again. She turned off the lights and pulled the blanket just past his waist. "Roll on your side, Cole."

He looked up at her. "Why, Mel?"

"I want to rub your back. When I was a kid, I used to get headaches sometimes, and sometimes getting my back rubbed would help."

"Okay."

"Hang on, I want to go get you a wet washcloth, too."

_Mel's voice, "I want to let you know that I am doing this only on two conditions. One, you hold completely still. And two, the washcloth goes back where it was!" _

Interesting. Wondering what she could have been talking about, Cole rolled onto his side with his back to her. Even if it did not help his head, it would feel nice to have Mel rubbing his back.

_"Why are you rubbing my chest, Mel?"_

_Embarrassed, "I am _not_ rubbing your chest..."_

_He looked down at her hand on his bare chest. There were traces of dried blood on his skin. "Yes you are. It feels good."_

Cole smiled at the memory of the way her cool, soft hand had felt against his chest, but was troubled by the memory of the blood that had been there. Had he been hurt? Had he hurt someone else? The pain in his head increased, so he stopped searching for answers.

"Here, let's just put this against your forehead..." Mel said softly, leaning over him and placing a cool, damp cloth over his forehead and eyes. "How's that feel? Too cold?"

"No, Mel. Feels good."

"Okay." 

Mel dried her hands on her jeans and gently placed one in the center of Cole's back. Touching Cole was always very problematic because he was not the only one who liked the way it felt, but Mel reminded herself firmly that she was only trying to help and that she was not going to let her hands, or her mind, wander. Cole was in pain and he was vulnerable, not to mention being naive even at the best of times. Closing her eyes, she began rubbing slowly, in small circles. She used only one hand and repeated to herself more than once that this was a simple therapeutic back-rub, not foreplay.

Cole exhaled deeply. There was something very soothing about the gentle, almost tentative touch, and he could feel the muscles in his neck and back relaxing. Soon, his entire body relaxed under her tender care.

"Mmm..." he muttered softly.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned, her hand pausing.

"Please don't stop, Mel..." he murmured, half-asleep. "It's really helping."

Mel smiled faintly at his tone of voice. Like she could possibly say no to him when he asked for anything in that quiet, gentle way he had. "Okay..." Mel muttered, resuming her interrupted pace. "Close your eyes... Try to sleep." 

"Mmm... Mel?" he asked distantly.

"Yeah, Cole?" she said quietly.

"What do you dream about?" he asked, repeating the question she had asked him yesterday.

Mel was a little startled by the question, seemingly out of the blue. "Uh, different things."

"And some are bad?"

"Yeah." Mel nodded and sighed. "Some are bad."

"And some are good?"

"Yes." Mel smiled faintly. This curious mood was a lot like the Cole she knew and loved. "Some of them are good."

"Do you ever dream about _me_?" he asked hopefully.

Mel paused, wide-eyed, glad Cole had his back to her. Finally, she decided that honesty was probably the way to go. "Yeah, Cole. Sometimes I dream about you."

"Good dreams?"

She started to answer automatically that they were mostly good dreams, but caught herself. "Yeah, Cole. Good dreams..."

He rolled onto his back and smiled up at her, taking her hand gently in his. "Why don't I dream, Mel?"

"I don't know, Cole..." she answered honestly. "You just don't."

"I wish I could. I'd like to dream about you."

Mel flushed, both flattered and embarrassed. "Get some sleep, Cole. After you wake up, we need to talk." 

"Okay, Mel." He nodded and gently kissed her hand. As she rose to leave, he quietly after her, "Mel?"

She turned, surprised and curious. "Yes, Cole?"

He paused, not sure how to express his desire for their relationship to be as he remembered it. Finally, sadly, he gave up. "Never mind, Mel."

She smiled at him. "Sleep well, Cole. Feel better."

"Yes, Mel. Thank you, Mel."__


	4. Real Reasons

**Chapter 4 -- Real Reasons**

Mel sat with Cole for several minutes before rising and walking downstairs. She needed a drink in a very bad way, even if it was not yet nine o'clock. Cole's little therapy session with Gwen, or, more accurately, his reaction to it, had left her feeling more than a little unsettled. Gwen had worn the same shocked expression as Mel knew she must have been. Cole's reaction had been nothing approaching normal. Something was very _seriously_ wrong with him.

Mel sighed, feeling helpless as she let herself into the bar. Gwen was washing glasses while talking on her cell-phone.

"...and then _bam_! Migraine. It was... atypical." She paused and made a face into the phone. "Well, _yeah_. Suggestions?" She listened for a few more seconds, rolling her eyes. "Yes, obviously. So what do I do about it?" She looked up and smiled at Mel. "Hey, Miss Porter." Into the phone, "Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Thanks, doc. Bye." She hung up the phone, shaking her head.

Mel approached the bar slowly, a little nervous that Gwen had been talking to doctor about Cole. "I need a drink, Gwen."

Gwen looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, then shrugged. It was not her job to point out the obvious. "Very large, very dry... Coming up, Miss Porter."

"Who were you... talking to?" Mel asked, trying to sound casual, as Gwen mixed her drink.

"Oh, a Prof from school. Getting a second opinion." She handed Mel her drink without really looking at her.

"You... have a first opinion?" Mel asked, sipping her drink. It turned her stomach and she pushed it away with a grimace and a groan.

"Seltzer water?" Gwen offered, dumping the drink.

Mel nodded. "Please." When Gwen handed her a tall glass of seltzer water, she took it with a nod. "Thanks. You were saying something about a second opinion. You have an opinion?"

Gwen nodded. "Yeah, I do. Nothing you're going to want to hear, though."

Mel frowned, concerned. What if Gwen and her psychiatrist friend both agreed that it was unlikely that Cole was ever going to be able to recover all of his memories? 

"Go ahead..." Mel thought that she had come up with the worst-case scenario, but she was entirely unprepared for what Gwen said next.

"The pain is psychological. Probably the amnesia too..." Gwen said apologetically.

"Whoa... Wait a minute..." Mel protested, wishing that Gwen had not already dumped her drink. "His inability to remember anything... _is in his head_?"

Gwen nodded slightly. "That's what I think. And it's _not_ that he can't remember anything. He remembers quite a bit, actually. He just... remembers very, _very_ selectively." She sighed and thought carefully before speaking again, wanting to be perfectly clear for Mel. "If he couldn't remember anything at all, I'd lend more credence to the theory that there was... some kind of physical trauma that was causing this. If he remembered things more or less at random, I'd probably still be willing to buy it."

"But?" Mel asked, frowning uncertainly. She had noticed that Cole's memory was being strangely selective in Alaska, but had not really thought much of it.

"But... He remembers what he _wants_ to remember. Almost all happy memories. When he tries to go deeper, to look past the happy surface into a maybe less happy context... When he tries to remember memories that _aren't_ happy, things like Ansen, Ansen's crimes, getting attacked by Ansen..."

"That's when the pain starts..." Mel muttered, shaking her head, stunned. 

Gwen was, of course, absolutely right. But... what now? There was so much more at stake here than one man and his memories. There was Zin. His fugitives. His other criminal enterprise in London. Possibly others beyond that one. Not to mention the fact that Cole was not human. Earth was not his home and it never would be, no matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise. These were considerations that made her earlier worry over his belief that they were married seem absolutely trite.

She closed her eyes against the tears that threatened. Poor Cole. "How do we convince him to... stop it?" she asked quietly.

Gwen handed her a clean bar-rag. "That's kind of the problem. He's not doing this consciously, none of it. He has no more control over the pain and the memories right now than he would if he actually _had_ sustained a hit to the head."

"What about... hypnosis or something?"

Gwen shook her head. "No. I wouldn't recommend it... not for the recovery of memories. Um, hypnosis makes people _very_ suggestible, which is not always a good thing. Um... there's been credible research to indicate that a lot of the memories recovered under hypnosis are not necessarily even the real thing."

"False memories?" Mel asked. "I read something about that a few years ago, I think... Some parents sued a psychiatrist after their daughter..."

"Alleged that they had committed all kinds of crimes. Based on memories recovered under hypnosis. There wasn't evidence to support one of them. In fact, there was a rather large settlement entered in favor of the parents. The daughter later recanted her allegations and became something of a crusader against recovered-memory therapies."

Mel nodded, absorbing this. "Then what do I do?" she asked with a sigh. "Force Cole to fight for every memory? Subject him to these headaches every day for the rest of his life? I can't do that to him."

"Force the issue..." Gwen told her simply.

Mel stared uncertainly at her. "How?"

"Easily. Just open your mouth and start talking. That is... the standard therapy in most organic cases."

"Organic?"

"Sorry. Amnesia caused by either physical trauma or disease. The point is that when you don't expect a person to recover the memory, you simply supply them with the pertinent information. 'Your children are Jane, eight and Alex, three'. 'Their birthdays are June third and March sixth'."

"In other words, just give up on him ever recovering his memory and spoon-feed him the things that he used to know?" Mel asked. "I can't... he knows things that--"

"No, you miss the point." Gwen shook her head. "His amnesia is not organic. We _can_ expect him to recover his memories. The only thing that's keeping him from doing so now is that he doesn't _want_ to. So he builds defenses against recovering them. You supply him with the information, you remove the need for the defenses."

Mel nodded, starting to understand. "So the memory returns."

Gwen nodded. "At least, that's my thought. Doctor Clarke's, too." She smiled faintly. "The best part is that, even if it doesn't work, it still helps."

Mel  nodded. "Yeah. That's... that's actually pretty..." She laughed softly. "It could work." Mel picked up a towel and wiped her eyes, smiling. "That's... that could actually work."

"Of course, the really important thing is to be _completely_ forthcoming..." Gwen said gently.

Mel looked up, startled. "Well, yeah. Of course."

"There may be things about him that neither of you really want him to know..." Gwen shrugged and washed a few more glasses. "If you're holding out on him at all right now, Miss Porter, that's got to end." She hastened to add, "I'm not implying that you _would_ or anything. Just a standard disclaimer."

Mel grinned and nodded. "I know, Gwen." She sighed. "Of course, we all have things we'd rather forget..."

"I know." Gwen nodded in quiet agreement. "Believe me, I do. But... when it come right down to it, without my memories, without _all_ of them, good, bad, and indifferent, I'm not _me_. I'm... some other woman who just _looks_ like me and happens to share some of my personality traits."

Mel nodded, sighing. Gwen was right. Without his memories of who he was, what he did, without his memories of home, his childhood, his family, _losing_ his family... Without these, Cole simply was not Cole. He was an attractive stranger who loved her under false pretenses, just because he thought that was the way things were supposed to be.

"You okay, Miss Porter?" Gwen asked gently. "You don't look so great."

"Just... thinking. It's going to be hard for him. Me, too, actually."

"You'll do fine." Gwen gave her a reassuring grin and patted her hand. "You've got a lot of strength in there." She pointed to Mel's heart. "You'll do just fine."

"What if... what if he doesn't _want_ to believe me?" Mel asked as it occurred to her for the first time. Cole might just as easily decide that she was crazy or kidding.

"He needs to know you're serious. Remind him that you care about him and would never hurt him. _Make_ him believe in spite of himself."

"Make him believe in spite of himself..." Mel repeated, nodding. 

This was not going to be anywhere as easy as Gwen seemed to believe. How was she supposed to go about convincing a man who believed that he was a normal, happily married human that he was actually a single alien prison-guard who only lived with the woman he thought he loved because she was convenient?

"I think I need an aspirin..." Mel muttered. 

"I've got some Excedrin in my backpack..." Gwen offered, pulling the bottle out and handing Mel a few.

Mel accepted them gratefully. "Thanks, Gwen."

"You should probably get something to eat. Those things are hell on an empty stomach." Gwen gave Mel a sympathetic smile. "Anything I can do to help?" she asked.

Mel shook her head. "No. This... this is about Cole and me." Of course, it was not. It was about Cole and Zin and Cirron and the fugitives, but telling Gwen that was out of the question. Smiling faintly, Mel added, "I'm just glad that I hired you instead of that Janet woman..."

Gwen giggled softly. "Lucky thing, that. Must have been fate."

"What is it with you and _fate_?" Mel laughed, shaking her head.

Gwen grinned and shrugged. "Hasn't let me down once yet." 

"Huh... Lucky you. Take the night off, Gwen."

"Closing the bar?" she asked.

Mel nodded. "Something tells me this is _not_ going to be a five-minute conversation. I don't want any distractions."

Gwen nodded. "Good idea, I think. Good luck."

"Thanks for listening, Gwen."

"Hey, I'm a bartender... it's what I do." With a wink and a grin, Gwen shouldered her backpack and started for the door. "Hey, you want me to hang about for a while? Until Mister Hauser wakes up or something? I mean... if you want company..."

Mel smiled, grateful for the girl's offer, but needing time to think. "No, Gwen. Thank you, though. You have a great day."

"Yeah." Gwen nodded. "You, too. You have my cell if you need anything."

Mel smiled. "Thanks, Gwen. Bye."

"Bye, Miss Porter. Good luck."

"Thanks, I'll need it." Mel smiled as she watched Gwen go. Her smile faded as she considered where to start. "Cole, yeah... You... aren't human." She shook her head. "No, Mel. You're going to have to do better than that." She rubbed her eyes thoughtfully. "Or not. He healed Amelia... I can start there." Nodding, Mel hoped that things went smoothly.

***

When Cole opened his eyes, the first sight to confront them was Mel, sitting on the edge of the bed and regarding him thoughtfully.

"You have beautiful eyes..." he told her with a smile. He yawned. "Did I sleep long?"

"Yeah." Mel nodded. "About seven hours. How's your head?" she asked gently.

"Good. Better." He smiled up at her and took her left hand in both of his. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"Hey, that is what _friends_ do, Cole..." she told him gently.

His smile flickered faintly. Friends? Was that really all she thought of him as? How _could_ she given what he remembered about their relationship? "Mel, we are more than just friends."

_"We're just friends..." Mel protested._

_And on another occasion, "Cole is just a friend..." she said firmly._

"Cole, we are _not_ more than just friends..." she told him gently, shaking her head apologetically. "I'm sorry, but that's... just how it has to be. I don't like it, but... that's just how it is."

"Why?" he asked, shaking his head. "Mel, I don't understand. I remember so many things..." He sat up and looked at her in confusion. "We _must_ be. I remember... dancing with you, _kissing_ you... I remember our honeymoon, Mel!"

She shook her head. "No, Cole... You don't. You only think you do."

"Are you saying these things never happened?" he asked, frowning uncertainly. He could not believe that. Every one of them had felt so wonderful, so _real_.

Mel shook her head. "They happened, Cole. Just... not like you remember. Look, get dressed and we'll talk about it. I'll tell you everything." Mel sighed and rose. "I'll be in the living-room, Cole."

"Mel, wait..." he protested, rising and starting to follow.

"Get dressed and we'll talk..." Mel repeated firmly, leaving the bedroom.

Cole stared after her in confusion. He felt a deep sense of uncertainty and foreboding and was not entirely sure that he wanted to hear what she had to say. Still, if Mel felt that there were things that she needed to tell him, then they must have been important. He quickly shrugged on his clothes and walked into the living-room.

"You want a cup of coffee?" Mel asked him quietly from the kitchen.

"No, Mel. I want to talk."

Mel sighed and walked into the living-room. "Cole, right now what I need for you to do is to _listen_." She sat on the edge of the couch and patted the cushion next to her. "Come sit."

"Mel, why do you look so worried?" Cole asked gently, sitting down next to her and watching her with concern.

"I'm just... not sure how you're going to take what I have to say."

"Mel, whatever it is... I'm sure that we can deal with it." He smiled at her. "Now, what's the matter?"

"You, Cole..." Mel said with a sigh. "These things you think you remember that prove that we're married." 

He stared at her for a minute, then sighed. "You are saying that we _aren't_ married?" he asked uncertainly.

Mel nodded, not looking at him. "That's exactly what I'm saying, Cole..."

"But I _remember_..." he protested with a sigh. He took her face gently in his hands and made her look at him, lightly running his thumbs over her lips. "We were _newlyweds_..."

Mel looked at him sadly, not trying to pull away. "We were undercover."

He stared at her in amazement for a moment, not _wanting_ to believe, even though he knew it was true.

_Standing on a dance-floor with Mel, speaking in low voices. Mel wanted to know if he had found them yet. Something was interfering with his equipment, with his abilities. He had a suspect, though, wanted to check out their room. Mel nodded and told him that she would cover for him, tell people he had a headache. As he had left, she had told him to be careful..._

Cole sighed and dropped his hands, leaning back slightly. "I'm so sorry, Mel... I thought..." He shook his head, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry..."

"Shh... Cole..." Mel sighed and took his hands in hers. "It's okay."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked, tears forming in his eyes.

"I didn't know _how_." Mel sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Cole. I didn't want to hurt you..." she trailed off, shaking her head and fighting tears.

"There's more, isn't there?" he asked, reading her expression. How could there be more? What could be worse?

Mel nodded weakly. "Yeah, Cole. There's a _lot_ more."

Cole regarded her uncertainly for several minutes, not entirely sure he liked where this was going. The look on her face suggested something dire and unpleasant. As badly, though, as he did not _want_ to hear what she had to say, he knew that he had to. He wondered absently why, knowing what he did, his feelings for Mel had not changed in the least, but he dismissed the thought. There would be time to reason that out later.

He looked gravely at Mel. "Go ahead, Mel. I'm ready."****


	5. Self Discovery

**Chapter 5 -- Self Discovery**

Mel took a deep breath before she began. She had spent the entire time between her conversation with Gwen and this moment trying to decide how to broach the subject of Cole's origins. She was fairly certain that it would be easier if she did not tackle it head-on, so she chose her words carefully.

"Cole... Amelia tells me that she hurt herself a few days ago. That you... healed her."

Cole stared uncertainly at Mel, remembering his certainty when he had healed Amelia that whatever secret was behind the ability was something that could keep them separated.

"She was... pretty curious about that."

Cole continued to stare blankly at Mel, cautiously silent.

Mel frowned curiously at him, wondering about his lack of reaction. "Cole, you... _do_ realize that healing people is not something that everyone can do, don't you?"

He nodded slowly. "I'm different. Not normal. Some kind of freak..." No wonder she did not love him. He sighed sadly.

Mel stared, surprised. "Cole, _no_..." She shook her head and took his hands in hers. "You are a very extraordinary person, but you are _not_ a freak."

"Then what am I?" he asked softly, shaking his head.

Mel winced inwardly. He looked so lonely and afraid, unwilling to accept what he could not understand. What a very human reaction. "You healed me once. Do you remember?" she asked gently.

He nodded. "Yes. You looked at me with so much love..." He reached up with one hand and gently cupped her cheek.

Mel nodded, closing her eyes and leaning into his hand. "Yes, I did. I didn't think you were a freak. I was hurt and you made me whole. How... how can that be a bad thing, Cole?" She opened her eyes and gazed questioningly at him, hoping that he would understand how truly amazing he really was.

He looked into her eyes with a sigh. "Because it keeps us apart, Mel."

"Ooh..." Mel covered her mouth with one hand, tears forming in her eyes. "Cole..." She reached out and lightly touched his chest, shaking her head. "Cole..."

He looked at her uncertainly, absently drying her tears. "It... _doesn't_ keep us apart?"

"Your job keeps us apart, Cole, not what you are."

Startled, he frowned and straightened, staring at her. The word 'what' instead of 'who' struck a chord with him that he could not explain. He wanted, needed to know more. "_What_ I am?" he repeated. 

She nodded. "Yeah, Cole. Do you remember?"

He shook his head, confused but no longer afraid. Yes, he was different, but Mel accepted him anyway, so it could not have been all bad. "I don't understand, Mel."

"Your _home_, Cole... It's not here, not on earth. It's a planet... It... it's called..." She hesitated. There was no way he was going to believe her.

_"What planet are you from?" the teenage girl scoffed._

_"It's called Cirron..." Cole told her with a gentle smile._

"Cirron. Cirron 17..." he whispered.

"You remember it?" Mel asked hopefully.

He shook his head. "Just the name."He frowned thoughtfully. "I'm not human?" Oddly, he was almost willing to accept it, not just because Mel said it was so, but because it _felt_ right.

_He glanced across the crowded dance-floor, forgetting everything else when he saw Mel. How could any human look so beautiful? _

He had actually thought that, he remembered. How could any _human_ look so beautiful? Why human? Because, obviously, her being a human was significant to him, and the only reason it should have been was because he was not.

Mel shook her head. "No, Cole. You aren't."

"I _look _human..." he said, confused by that fact. 

"Yeah, you, um... you took on a human form. It's an ability your species has. They can... change their appearances to match a picture."

_Moving through trees, searching. He came to a stop in front of a large billboard, an underwear ad. The man on the billboard looked..._

He stared at her. "I took my image from an underwear ad?" he asked, incredulous.

Mel laughed, equal parts relieved and amused. "Yes, Cole. That's how you..."

"Got my name." He nodded, remembering. "You called me Cole after the name on the billboard." He smiled.

She smiled and nodded, happy tears in her eyes. "Yes!"

"What is my real name?"

"Daggon."

He nodded. It sounded familiar. "Daggon..." he repeated, trying out the sound. It was _right_. 

"Do you remember anything about Cirron?"

He considered for several minutes, wracking his brain before finally shook his head. "More walls, Mel."

"I don't understand... Gwen said that once you knew--"

"Gwen knows I'm not human?"

"No." Mel shook her head. "But she... uh, she was pretty sure that once we started talking about this stuff... that your memories would come back."

"Many _are_..." He paused, a dozen memories vying for his attention at the same time.

_Crawling over to Ansen, ripping the life-force from his chest._

_Explaining to Mel about Rhee. "He killed my wife and daughter."_

_"You just _had_ to tell the custom's guy that you were from Cirron?" Mel said in obvious frustration._

_Realizing that he had been betrayed. "Zin! You did this?"_

_Mel's voice, amused, "On our planet, that would be a snake that barks..."_

_Capturing Rhee, in his anger making the Collection process slow and painful._

_Taking Kres' life-force because it was the only way to save his life. "Think of the most beautiful place you've ever seen..." he said soothingly, making the Collection as quick and painless as possible._

_Mel with easily a dozen boxes of Jell-O in her hands, looking and sounding eager to please him, "I hope lemon-lime's okay..."_

_Hanging from chains, weak and drained, Mel weeping over him._

_Struggling against cold-induced weakness to reach Mel before the killer could use the scalpel he was holding against her throat._

_Dancing on the bar._

_Mel's voice, "Personal hygiene is extremely important..." The feel of her gentle hands on his chest, a completely new sensation to a man to whom sensation itself was new. So absorbed in this wonderful new experience that he could not even remember what he had been talking about, his eyes half-closing, leaning back slightly, towards her. There were no words for how amazing her hands felt, no concept to describe the emotions and sensations it stirred in him..._

"Whew..." he gasped, staring at her. That last memory had left his heart pounding and his head spinning. But it was the memory before that which left him feeling confused. "Why was I standing on the bar taking my clothes off?" he finally asked, after taking a few moments to compose himself.

Mel dissolved into helpless giggles at the question. Or maybe it was just the memory. "Long story..." she gasped, still laughing.

Cole smiled. It was the first time he had seen her genuinely happy since they had been reunited. Her laughter was infectious, and he soon found himself chuckling softly. His memory was still very spotty, and he remembered nothing before patterning his image after that on the billboard, but he knew who and what he was and Mel could not have been happier about it. These factors combined to make him _very_ happy. He gently rubbed her back with one hand as she got the giggles out of her system.

When her laughter had subsided, he took her hands in his and requested eagerly. "Tell me more."

Mel smiled and nodded. _This_ was her Cole, eager and curious and physical without reason or expectation. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything."

"Um... that could take me a few weeks, Cole." She grinned.

He nodded. "Can we go into my room? Maybe I'll remember more in there."

She smiled and nodded, rising. "You've got it."

Grinning, Cole followed. His memory was rapidly filling itself in. As soon as he entered his room, he discovered a new one.

_Wahote, the Native American man whose grandson had been killed. "What's this?"_

_"My room."_

_"No bed?"_

_"I don't sleep."_

Cole paused, frowning thoughtfully.

Mel frowned apprehensively at him. "Is... something the matter?"

"I don't sleep..." he muttered, confused.

She nodded. "That's right, normally you don't."

"Why now? What's different?"

"I had assumed that whatever it was that gave you the amnesia was also the reason that you needed to sleep."

He nodded, considering this. What _had_ given him the amnesia? 

"Um... here's your Collector." Mel gingerly picked the device up and handed it to him.

It fit easily into his hand, comfortable and familiar. He made a slow pass with his hand, Collecting an imaginary life-force.

Mel smiled and nodded, but kept well away from it. Cole never _had_ mentioned if it worked on humans or not. "Yeah, that's right. That's how you capture them. And you keep them--"

He stepped forwards and pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her. Wanting to remember for himself, he looked around the room. "_Here_..." He walked over to the storage-unit and glanced thoughtfully at it for a moment. "I keep them here."

Mel nodded again, still smiling. "Yeah. That's right."

Cole moved the Collector over the storage-unit until he found the right position. Then he carefully transferred Ansen's life-force from the Collector into the storage-unit. It was easy, almost instinctive.

"You remember." Mel patted his shoulder encouragingly. "This is great Cole."

"I still remember nothing before taking my image..." He sat down with a sigh, considering the significance of this.

"Maybe it'll come in time..." Mel suggested hopefully.

He shook his head. "No. These walls are different, Mel. Not like the others. They're not crumbling. They _should_ be, but they aren't." He rubbed his forehead, sighing.

"Headache?" Mel asked, disheartened.

He shook his head. "No, Mel... I just..." He stared up at her with sad eyes. "I had a _daughter_!" He remembered telling Mel about her, about how she had been killed. "I can't remember what she _looks_ like..." he whispered.

"Oh, Cole..." Mel whispered, leaning over him and drawing him into a hug.

Cole slipped his arms around her as well, glad for her presence. With her, he truly was not alone. "Why can't I remember her?" he whispered, his whole body shaking with grief.

"You will, Cole, you will..." Mel whispered, rocking him. She held him close until the tremor subsided, and for several more minutes after that, not sure what else _to_ do. She wanted so badly to comfort him, but she had never come _close_ to experiencing that kind of loss. "Come on. Let's... let's go into the living-room. I've got some ice-cream..." she offered, feeling silly even as she said it. As if ice-cream could offset the grief of knowing that you had a daughter, knowing that she had been killed, and not being able to remember what she looked like.

"Cookies and cream?" he asked hopefully. It was Mel's favorite flavor and had, either through default or osmosis, become his as well. Or maybe it was just that it was the best flavor of ice-cream known to mankind.

Mel smiled and nodded. "I bought two cartons right before I left to come get you."

Cole smiled and rose, following her into the kitchen. The ice-cream was not particularly comforting in and of itself, but Mel's attempt to offer him some small reassurance and comfort _was_. No wonder she had been the only thing on his mind. She was his anchor, his life-line. His friend, companion, partner... She was everything to him but what he had thought she was, what he still _wanted_ her to be. He sighed again as she handed him a bowl of ice-cream with a comforting smile.

"You _will_ remember her, Cole..." Mel assured him gently, patting his arm lightly. She could not help but wonder how much of his desire to remember his daughter was really a desire to remember his wife.

"I know, Mel." Cole smiled and nodded. 

Mel had misunderstood the sigh, but that was really just as well. It was so hard for both of them, feeling the things they did and not being able to act on them. He remembered how much he had hated himself when he had told her what they could not have. He had not been able to find any better words than the ones that had hurt her so. His vocabulary, while extensive, was insufficient to explain the raw _fear_ he felt for her well-being. 

First London, her life in danger so many times in that one night... Then the seminar, her trying to aid him, then to rescue him, unaware that their quarry had agreed to kill her if she stood between them and him. They would have killed her without missing a beat. The thought of any harm coming to her left him feeling desolate, bereft, empty... All he wanted was to be able to protect her, to keep her safe.

They ate their ice-cream in silence, Cole occasionally regaining a fragment of a memory or connecting one to another. Finally, he spoke. "I'm sorry about embarrassing you in London, Mel..." he told her, recalling that he had done so more than once.

"What?" she asked, pausing with her spoon half-way to her mouth. "What do you mean?"

"In customs. And afterwards. And in the hotel room when you were setting up the screen, I thought you would be comforted..."

"Cole... It's okay." Mel smiled, placing the spoon in her bowl and pushing it aside. "You didn't _know_. It's... it's not something that... looking back, a lot of those things were actually pretty funny."

"I'm sorry I nearly got you killed in London..." he whispered, not looking at her.

Mel stared, wide-eyed. "_Cole_..." She shook her head. "It was _not_ your fault. It was a trap. We walked into a trap. That's no one's fault."

"I should never have let you come..."

"I wouldn't have let you _keep_ me from going, Cole."

Cole considered this for a moment. It seemed like a very strong statement from a simple friend, and it made him wonder about her. About _them_...

He smiled up at her. "I remember that about you. You're a very stubborn woman." He bowed his head. "I've always liked that in you."

Mel blushed and bowed her head, then changed the subject. "How's your memory?"

"Nothing before the billboard. Things after are still very spotty, but getting better." He shook his head. "It's so random, Mel. It's annoying."

"Random is good."

He frowned. "It is?"

"Gwen said so." At least, she _thought_ that was what Gwen had said. Much of Gwen's little speech had sailed over her head.

He smiled and nodded. "Gwen should know. She's a..." he paused, knowing the concept but having to search for the word. "Psychologist." He frowned. "No, that's wrong, isn't it?" Even if it was not wrong, it was insufficient, he knew. There was more to the girl than the surface Gwen, although he could not clearly define _what_ more. Perhaps it was just a matter of waiting for the proper memories to return.

"It's close..." Mel offered, wanting _him_ to remember.

"She's a _student_. I remember telling her that I used to be an educator when she told me that." Yes, Gwen was a student, but still... she was something else as well, something that he could not adequately explain, even to himself. Just a feeling, really, not even a certainty.

"What did you teach?" Mel asked, hoping for some memory of home.

"I don't know. She didn't ask." He echoed the sigh that Mel gave to that response. "It's so frustrating, Mel."

"I know, Cole..." she whispered. "We'll... figure it out. Don't worry."

He smiled at her. With Mel, it often seemed that nothing was impossible. "I know, Mel." He leaned over and gently caressed her throat for a moment before dropping his hand. His memory was still spotty enough that it was hard to tell how much was too much. There were so many things that he wanted to say to her, but words eluded him. He settled for, "Thank you, Mel."

"For what?" she asked softly, curious.

"For everything. For taking me in. For trusting me. For helping me. For being there when I need you. Everything, Mel..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "You've done so _much_ for me, and..." He caressed her throat again, once more at a loss for words. "Thank you, Mel."

She smiled and patted his chest gently. "It... There was just something about you. I _still_ don't know why I offered you that ride that day, but... Once I got to know you, I couldn't do anything _ but_ help you."

"You... like helping people." He rose and walked into the hallway, stopping outside of her bedroom door. "Here. It was here."

"What was?" Mel asked, following.

"I was in my underwear again and you were upset. You... you gave me clothes and you said..." He picked up her hands and held them in front of his chest. "You said 'you need more help than I can give you'... and then..." He smiled and closed his eyes, a golden glow appearing under his hands.

When she felt the gentle energy, Mel abruptly found herself lost in a memory of her own.

_"You need more help than I can give you..." she said in frustration, pushing the clothes towards the nearly-naked and clearly insane man. _

_He looked at her with that blank, expressionless stare of his, only his eyes conveying anything. He regarded her thoughtfully, his eyes curious and a little hopeful, then he reached out and covered her hands with his. As she stared at him uncertainly, a golden glow appeared under his hands. Immediately, frustration and confusion were swept away, replaced by trust and wonder and an emotion that she could not have begun to describe. One thing was sure, though. Whoever this strange man was, he _needed_ her help, and she _would_ give it to him._

_He was like a newborn child, helpless, alone, and naked. He needed her help, and she had no choice but to give it to him. Not because of him, not because of what he had just done, but because something inside of her was drawn to him. Something inside of him was calling out to something inside of her. As done as she was with rescuing men, she could never have turned her back on him. And, as she offered to let him stay in her spare room for _one_ night, she knew that she would _never_ be able to turn her back on him._

"I remember..." she breathed, smiling up at him. She freed her hands from his and slid her arms around him, holding him close. "God, I was so worried about you, Cole..." she whispered.

"I know. I missed you..." he replied, hugging her fiercely and closing his eyes.

"Tell me it's going to be okay..." 

"Everything will be fine, Mel. I promise." 

He held her tightly, rocking her absently. He was still troubled by his inability to remember anything _before_, but that would pass, he was sure. It would take time, it would be frustrating, but he _could_ do it. Mel would be there for him, and, with her help, there was nothing that he could not accomplish.

Still, it was troubling. There was a _reason_ those memories were not returning, and it bothered him. He was not sure, but he thought that he would probably have to find that reason before the memories would return.


	6. Recovery

**Author's Note: **I want to thank my fabulous Beta Cyn Tolram for all her help and insights and for keeping me honest and in character when I started to stray with regards to Mel. Thanks!!!

Oh, yeah, and just out of curiosity, did ANYONE get the title of this story?****

**Chapter 6 -- Recovery**

"Morning, Mister Hauser!" Gwen called cheerfully as he walked down the stairs. "How's it going?"

"Slowly..." Cole sighed, shaking his head. "Need help?" he asked, nodding towards the stack of glasses she was washing.

"Sure." She grinned and tossed him a towel as he approached. "You dry?"

"Okay."

"Miss Porter still sleeping?"

Cole nodded. "Yes, I think so."

Gwen considered this for a moment. Definitely an odd statement coming from a man who would have just left her bed. She nodded absently, not betraying her thoughts. "You said that it's going slowly?" she asked. "Anything I can do to help?"

He shook his head. Although frustrated by his inability to recall anything that had happened before coming through the wormhole, he could hardly share his concerns with Gwen.

"Let me know if you change your mind..." she said with a shrug.

They washed and dried in comfortable silence for some time. Three days after Mel had come clean with him, things were really getting back to the way they had been before, Cole reflected. He was not yet comfortable Tracking yet, but he was reacquainting himself with his computer-system and memorizing the files he had brought on the individual prisoners. Before long, he _would_ be able to go after them, one way or the other. 

He was so absorbed in the task of learning everything he had forgotten that his inability to remember home registered only as a minor irritation most of the time. Until he lay down for the night. His body was slowly healing from whatever damage it had sustained from Ansen, but he still required ten to twelve hours of sleep a night. In the dark, lying next to Mel, a reminder of his new life, there was very little to do _but_ think of his old life. 

Mostly he wondered. What had life been like on Cirron? What had his wife been like? What had her name been? Had they loved each other the way he loved Mel, or had it been different? Was love a foreign concept to Cirronians? In speaking to Mel of the mating process, he could not recall having mentioned love, only polarities of energy. Of course, recalling Lontoria, he knew that Cirronians were capable of very deep feelings indeed. 

And, often, he wondered when his job would lead to his eventual separation from Mel. He knew intuitively that it would, eventually. And Mel had as good as admitted the same. The only question was when. At those times, he _hated_ being a Tracker, hated everything that it stood for, hated the thought of being forced to leave Mel. It did not matter that their relationship was not physical. He loved her deeply and wanted to stay with her.

Sleeping next to Mel was still awkward for both of them, but it was a necessity and they managed. Although neither of them would have admitted it, there was something very comforting about sleeping side by side. Cole knew that she enjoyed it as much as he did, or, at least, he allowed himself to suspect as much as he reflected on it now. They kept to their sides of the bed, never touching, but they frequently spent quite some time talking before one or the other of them fell asleep. It was pleasant, familiar. Cole could see why he had mistaken their relationship for a marriage. Although not physical, it was undeniably intimate. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to him that they _were_ married in every sense except one.

"You're thinking of Mel..." Gwen said quietly, grinning.

Cole looked up, startled. "How did you know that?"

"You get that smile... Like there's nothing in the world that could bring you down." She shook her head.

He shrugged, not bothering to deny it. Gwen was unusually perceptive for a human and could usually tell when people were holding out on her. She was, in fact, unique for a human in many ways, much as Mel was. "What causes amnesia, Gwen?" Cole asked after a few minutes, still thinking of his inability to recall anything before coming through the wormhole.

"You mean in your case, or generally?" Gwen asked, washing the last of the glasses.

"Generally."

Gwen shrugged and sat on the edge of the bar. "Different things. It depends."

"Tell me."

She shrugged again. "Sure. Um... well, it can be psychological... dissociation, you know. Separating yourself from unpleasant thoughts." She paused, thinking. "Um, or it can be a result of brain trauma. Or... sometimes a shift in brain-chemistry can cause it."

"A shift in brain-chemistry?" Cole asked, interested. It seemed more likely than that he had incurred some injury to his head. "What would cause that?"

"Different things. Drugs, illness, lightening."

"Lightening?" Cole repeated, thinking of the blinding green burst of energy that Ansen had shot him with.

Gwen nodded. "Yeah. You, uh, think of your brain like a computer, and a lightening strike can... crash it." She shrugged. "The voltage can cause a change in the way the brain works. Why do you ask? Think you got hit by lightening?"

Cole smiled and shook his head. "I think I'd remember that." He grinned at her.

Gwen chuckled softly. "A joke, Mister Hauser? I don't think I've ever heard you do _that_ before..."

"I joke. Occasionally."

"You're good at it." Gwen smiled and shook her head.

Cole smiled back. "I should get upstairs, Gwen. I've got some work to do."

"Are you working again? Do you remember enough?" Gwen asked quizzically.

Cole knew that Gwen believed he was an undercover Agent, as Jess once had. He shrugged noncommittally. "Right now, I'm just re-familiarizing myself with my files."

"Ah." Gwen nodded. "How's that going?"

He shrugged. "I'm a fast learner."

"But you're actually re-learning it as opposed to recalling it?" Gwen asked, frowning.

Cole nodded, sighing in frustration. "Yes, Gwen."

She frowned thoughtfully. "There's like a... time-period to your memories, isn't there?"

"I don't follow..." Cole told her.

"You can't remember anything before a certain point in time, can you?"

He shook his head, surprised that she had guessed this. "No, Gwen, I can't."

She nodded, frowning thoughtfully. "Weird. Have you... um... this is going to sound strange. Has anything ever happened to you to... alter your brain-chemistry? _Before_ this?"

Cole stared at her in silence, his mind spinning. Taking a human form definitely qualified as a 'yes' to that question. His mind and body had both worked in radically different ways when his form had been Cirronian.

Gwen shrugged and jumped off the bar. "I only ask because it could explain why you can't remember anything before the time when that happened..." she explained as she began wiping down tables. "Just a stray thought. I get a lot of those..."

It was a very good theory, even for the space-dust that Gwen had as good as admitted it was. It bore immediate testing. "I need to get upstairs now, Gwen. See you later."

"Later, Mister Hauser." Gwen watched him go with a faint smile, then walked over to the bar and turned on her radio before she got back to work.

***

"Been up long, Cole?" Mel asked, knocking on the door to his room.

"About an hour, Mel..." Cole replied without looking up from his computer screen.

Mel smiled. This was _definitely_ the Cole she knew, so absorbed in his work that her presence barely registered. Shaking her head, she walked further into the room, leaning over Cole's shoulder to see who he was learning about today. She frowned in confusion. The information on the screen bore no resemblance to the prisoner dossiers that he had been immersing himself in recently.

"What is that?" she asked, pointing to a waveform on the central screen.

"Energy signature of the weapon Ansen shot me with..." he explained, smiling up at her. "It was designed to kill me, but it didn't."

Mel stared at him with wide eyes. "Why... why didn't it?" she asked, frowning.

"Because, it was designed to work against a Cirronian. This body is more human than Cirronian..." he explained.

"Oh." Mel nodded. "So..." she prompted, hoping that he would explain what he was talking about.

"So it disrupted certain parts of my physiology only." Cole smiled at her again before returning his attention to the monitor. "Did you know that human encode memories in a completely different way than Cirronians?" he asked her.

"Uh, no..." Mel shook her head.

"Neither did I. But they do. Respective brain-chemistries are so different that they necessitate completely different encoding strategies."

"You've been talking to Gwen again..." Mel said with a smile. "I can tell because I only understood every other word."

Cole nodded. "Something she said about alterations in brain-chemistry got me thinking about why I still can't remember anything before I took my human form."

Mel nodded, beginning to understand. "So, basically, the weapon only worked on the parts of you that are still Cirronian?"

Cole turned to face her, nodding. "Certain memories, certain biological functions. Initially, the effect _was_ total, but the human parts of my makeup were able to repair themselves much faster."

Mel nodded. "So, why do you still need sleep?"

"My body is in a weakened state. It's really more like unconsciousness than sleep."

"Which is why you don't dream?"

He nodded. "I think so. Or maybe I really _am_ incapable of dreaming. It's not really that important. What _is_ important is finding a way to repair the damage."

"Which is why you're analyzing the weapon?"

Cole nodded. "It's possible that if I can reverse the polarity of the particle-beam that the shift _this_ causes in my body-chemistry could cancel out the previous damage."

Mel spent a few seconds shifting through this techno-babble, then stared at him, shocked. "You want to _shoot_ yourself with that thing again?" she gasped.

Cole nodded. "Yes, Mel. Possibly twice."

"Twice?" Mel repeated, shaking her head.

He nodded, not taking his eyes from the screen. "Ansen _did_ shoot me twice." He turned to face her again. "I may need your help, Mel."

"My help?" she repeated cautiously.

Cole nodded. "I may not be able to shoot myself twice. I may need your help."

"You want me to... _shoot_ you?" Mel whispered, feeling sick to her stomach.

Cole nodded. "Yes, Mel."

Mel stared. "Cole, tell me you're joking. Please."

"Not joking, Mel." He shook his head and rose, stepping past her to reconfigure some equipment.

"Cole, that's... _insane_! It's suicidal!"

"Not necessarily. Reversing the polarity _should_ cancel out the prior damage." He rose and smiled gently at her, taking her hand. "I have to try something, Mel."

"Okay. _That_ I'll buy. But... shooting yourself with the weapon that did this to you... No!" That was just insane. Even by the standards of a woman who lived with an alien bounty-hunter.

He smiled reassuringly. It _would_ work. The damage that it did to his human body would likely be minimal and repair itself as quickly as t had initially. "Mel, trust me..."

"Cole I _do_ trust you. I just... I'm not sure I can shoot you..."

Cole shrugged. "Okay, I'll get Nestov to do it..." he said, knowing exactly how Mel would respond.

"Whoa!" Mel shook her head. "Okay, okay, I'll _do_ it! God, just keep Nestov out of this..."

"Why don't you like him, Mel?" Cole asked, returning his attention to work, internally pleased that Mel had reacted as he had hoped.

"Don't know. Could have something to do with his habit of screwing up _everything_ he touches."

"I see." Cole nodded. "There _is_ that."

Mel shook her head. "Okay, Cole... Just... let me know when."

"Yes, Mel..." Cole said placidly.

"Well, I'll be downstairs."

"Yes, Mel." Cole rose and walked over to her, lightly kissing her forehead. "Thank you, Mel."

"Uh, yeah..." Mel nodded, a little shocked. It was the first time he had kissed her since recovering his memory. There was something very sweet and comforting about it. She shook her head as she left. That was Cole for you. Full of surprises, always.

Cole stared after her, wondering why he had done that. He walked into the living-room and started to sit down, then glanced at the window. When it was dark, you actually had a pretty good view of the night sky. He walked over to it and looked upwards. The sky was blue, but the memory that this location triggered had happened at night.

_Mel had just gone out with Vic, looking stunning and smelling very nice. She had made some comment about pheromones, though he was not sure what the word meant. Cole was startled by the depth of feelings Mel's state had stirred up in him. He sat at the bar, thoughtful, for a long time. Needing quiet and craving solitude, he walked upstairs and into the living-room. He started to sit on the couch, then caught sight of the window. He walked over and pulled back the curtain, glancing at the night sky. The view of the stars was surprisingly good, considering how close to the heart of the city the bar lay._

_ Sighing, he glanced skyward. "I miss you..." he whispered. "Every day. This is a cold planet, dark, like Sar-Top. But Mel... she brings... warmth and... light." He smiled and shook his head. "You'd like her, my love. I don't think I'll ever completely _understand_ her, but I might just grow to love her the way I loved you." Tears in his eyes, he smiled at the stars. "I will never stop loving you, and I will never stop missing you, but Mel... She brings out something in me that I thought had died with you. I miss you every day, my love. I am blessed to have been included in your life." _

Cole sighed, tears in his eyes at the memory. It had not been the first or the last time that he had talked to his wife that way, and, although it always brought tears to his eyes, it also always made him happy, even if his fellow Cirronians would have called the practice pointless. Her soul was not out there, but must have long since passed on to a new person. Cole knew that, had even learned the human name for it, Reincarnation. But it did not matter if her soul belonged to some young Cirronian or to an Enixian or Nodulian, or even to a human. She was someone he could talk to when he could not talk to Mel, and remembering her comforted him.

Except of course that he could _not_ remember her at all, not any more than he could remember their daughter. Shaking his head in frustration, he returned to his room. The computers were still scanning, would not require his presence for some time, but he sat down anyway, staring at the screen until the scans were completed.

Mel would have to shoot him twice, as he had predicted, to cure all the damage. There was harm to his body as well as his brain. Once in the stomach from below, once in the head from above, both at close range. The second shot would likely render him unconscious for 18 hours or more, as it had the first time. Once he woke up, though, he could expect to have all of his memories back intact. 

Smiling, he walked down to the bar, where Mel and Gwen were just finishing set-up.

"Gwen, can I borrow Mel from you for awhile?" he asked, smiling.

Gwen nodded. "Sure thing, Mister Hauser. Talk to you later, Miss Porter."

"Okay, Gwen." Mel smiled at her then walked to join Cole. "Well?" she asked, knowing what he was probably about to say.

"I've finished my scans. I'm ready."

"Cole, are you sure this is smart? This is the _only _ way?"

Cole nodded. "Yes, Mel."

"This is insane, Cole..." Mel repeated quietly.

Cole nodded, understanding her fear and loving her for it. "I need your help, Mel..." he told her, unconsciously echoing a statement that he had made to her shortly after their first meeting.

Mel looked at him with wide, tear-filled eyes and nodded. "I know..." she whispered, lightly touching his chest. "Let's go."

"You do _not_ have to be afraid, Mel..." Cole told her gently as they ascended the stairs. "This is... _not_ going to hurt me."

Mel nodded. "What does this involve?"

"I'll probably be unconscious for eighteen hours or more, like the first time, but once I wake, I should be fine."

Mel nodded. "And I need to shoot you twice?"

He nodded. "Once in the stomach from slightly below me, once in the head from above, both at close range." 

"Okay." Mel nodded and took the weapon from Cole, listening carefully to his instructions about how to use it.

"Um, maybe you should take your clothes off first..." she suggested slowly. "I mean... I'm going to have enough trouble getting you into bed when you're unconscious without having to wrestle you out of your clothes."

Cole nodded and pulled off his shirt and pants, them moved to stand in front of Mel, positioning himself so he would land on the bed when he fell. "Okay, Mel. I'm ready."

"Will it be painful?" she asked softly. 

He nodded. "Yes, Mel."

She sighed and nodded. "Okay. Once in the stomach from below, once in the head from above."

He nodded. "Yes, Mel." He smiled at her. "Don't worry, Mel. It's going to be fine."

Mel sighed and nodded. 'Don't worry, Mel. You're only shooting me. It'll be fine...' Easy for him to say. "Cole..." she said quickly, approaching him.

"Yes, Mel?"

She pulled him into her arms and kissed him. He stared at her with wide eyes for a moment before closing his eyes and returning the kiss, sliding his arms around her and pulling her body into his. She fit perfectly against his chest, almost as if they had been made for each other. He would have been perfectly happy if this had been the last moment of his life. 

Mel pulled away from him, panting. "For luck..." she explained to Cole, who looked fairly dazed. She took a few steps back and raised the weapon. "I'm really sorry about this..." she said as she shot him in the stomach.

Cole grabbed his stomach with a cry, falling onto the bed. He looked up and saw Mel hesitate, looking horrified. "It's okay..." he managed. "You did fine. One more... and... you're... _done_..." he gasped.

Mel aimed, closed her eyes and activated the weapon. When she opened her eyes, Cole was lying on the bed, staring at her with glassy eyes. She hurried to him, pushing and pulling until he was laying properly on the bed. She pulled the covers to his chin and knelt on the floor next to him, watching him anxiously.

"Mel..." he breathed, reaching up weakly and caressing her throat. He smiled at her as his eyes drifted shut.

Mel shook her head and sat next to him, shaking and praying that she had done the right thing. She sat next to him for better than two hours before satisfying herself that he was asleep and comfortable.

***

_"Daddy, I'm tired!"_

_Daggon glanced down at her lovingly. "Already, Ashi?"  At her grave nod he laughed and bent over, picking her up and holding her over his head. "Well, if the Heart of my Heart is tired, I shall just have to carry her." Laughing, he threw her high in the air and caught her, pulling her against his chest._

_"I love you, Daddy..." she whispered, putting her arms around him._

_"Ah, I'm sure you do. But I am equally sure that I love you  more..." His voice was teasing, and at her squealed protest he laughed loudly._

_"Where are we going, Daddy?" Ashi asked. _

_"I want to show you something."_

_"Is it a surprise?"_

_"It will be if you stop asking questions, Heart of my Heart."_

_Ashi laughed and fell silent, relaxing in her father's strong arms. "You're the best Daddy in the entire Migar Federation..." she announced as he carried her._

_He laughed and caressed her throat. "And _you_, Heart of my Heart, are the best daughter. Now, between that, and the fact that I have the best wife and you the best mother, we must be the luckiest family alive."_

_She giggled and nodded gravely. "I don't want anything to change ever, Daddy."_

_"Well, if I have anything to say about it, nothing ever will. Here..." He came to a stop on a hilltop. "Look." He placed her gently on the ground and pointed skyward.  The sun was reflecting off of the atmosphere in the most beautiful way imaginable, creating so many colors that there were not even names for all of them._

_"It's beautiful, Daddy."_

_"It reminds me of you..." he told her confidentially, sitting down next to her. As they watched, he explained, "When I was your age, my father used to bring me up here to watch the fire in the sky, too."_

_She smiled and leaned against him, never taking her eyes from the spectacle above. "What is it called, Daddy?"_

_"It doesn't have a name."_

_"Everything has a name!" she protested._

_"Not this. It's too beautiful. No name was good enough. So they decided not to name it."_

_"Well, if it doesn't have a name, tell me its story."_

_He laughed softly. "Very well, Heart of my Heart." Smiling, he recited, "At the beginning of time, when the Spirit of the Flame first emerged from the Great Darkness, there was nothing. Only the Darkness and the Spirit of the Flame. But she grew lonely..."_

***

Mel woke abruptly as, next to her, Cole sat up, hands over his face, breathing harshly. "Oh, God, Cole! Are you okay?" she asked, sitting up and touching his shoulder.

He nodded and pulled his hands from his face. There were tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. "I had a dream..." he whispered.

"A dream?" Mel asked, smiling curiously.

He nodded. "A memory. Of my daughter." He turned to face her, smiling. "Oh, Mel, she was so _beautiful_. I remember her. I remember everything..."

Mel smiled and rested one gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad, Cole."

He pulled her into his arms, crying as he remembered a lifetime's worth of pain and disappointment. The death of his parents. The death of his sister. Finding the bodies of his wife and daughter. Life on Sar-Top. 

And then there were the good memories. His first day of school. Becoming an educator. Mating with his wife for the first time. The birth of his daughter. Taking her to see the sun, the way it reflected off the atmosphere. Feeling the heat of the Cirronian sunlight on his face as he told his daughter stories. So much joy...

He felt like laughing, too, as he recalled those times. He was torn between laughter and tears for a long time before the tears won out. The joys and pleasures were amazing, but the pain seemed so much more immediate. He clung to Mel, sobbing.

Mel held him close, rocking him, understanding what he must be going through. She whispered soothingly to him, just rocking and holding him close until his sobs subsided. Even after he stilled, she held him, until he pulled away from her.

He looked at her, tears still in his eyes. "So much..."

"I know..." she whispered, smoothing away his tears. "It's going to be okay."

He nodded. "I know that, Mel. It's just..." He looked at her lovingly. "I forgot so much."

"But it's back now..." she whispered soothingly. Recalling a lifetime of joy and pain in an instant must have been incredibly difficult for him. Although she never had and likely never would experience anything even remotely similar, she knew what he must have been going through without him having to explain it to her.

"I forgot so much..." he repeated as if he had not heard her. "But the one thing that I never forgot..." He smiled at her and rested his hand against her throat. 

"The one thing I never forgot was the way I felt about you, Mel..." he whispered, reaching out and wiping away the tears that formed in her eyes as he spoke.

**The End**


End file.
